My husbands company has decided to terminate our current plan, effective January 1st.
Our options are Kai.ser or a PPO.
I can't go change doctors three weeks before I am due. That is insanity! I mean, seriously? After all I have been through? Seriously?
The PPO or high deductible would have us out of pocket several thousands of dollars for delivery. The stupid rep gave Dh a sheet that has 'estimated costs' and for "normal delivery" it had $8,000. I can tell you right now because, (remember two years ago when I accidently got a bill for the delivery?)that estimate is dead wrong. Last time my 'normal delivery' was $35,000. So our portion would, depending on the plan we pick be either the max of $6,000 or $9,000 plus 10% of everything the rest of the year....
This makes me want to cry or throw up....or both.
I hate the fucking greedy health care system here.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Official Nut Case..
I'm officially a nut case.
Did you know most babies who die of cord compression die while the mother is sleeping?
After reading the research, I find it hard to go to sleep and have been contemplating setting my alarm every few hours at night, just to check.
Sunday morning I woke up and my arm was asleep. I kept thinking if my arm wasn't getting oxygen, then the baby wasn't, since I was sleeping on that side. I waited in bed for the baby to move. He did, but only once, and very softly. Normally, he has been active all day long, kicking and rolling in there.
I ate breakfast and sat down at my computer. Usually the baby moves a lot after breakfast. I sat and waited. Two, maybe three movements, but faint.
I went about the rest of the morning trying not to freak out. Finally, I was on the edge. I lay down on my bed, on my side after consuming a glass of juice. Nothing. Dh tried to wake him up. Nothing. I was melting down. It was almost noon now.
I called my OB and she called the Hospital to come in for an NST. On the way there in the car I had the music off and was trying to feel. I felt one very soft movement as I was turning into the parking lot.
I was a mess but trying not to cry. The nurse was very nice. She hooked me up to the HB monitor and found it right away. I told her why I was anxious. She said not to worry about sounding crazy and if that happened to her, she would be in here too. She said if I wanted to and if it made me feel better, she'd hook me up to it every day if I wanted. She went over the kick count sheet and I told her I was already doing that and that is why I was worried.
Baby was fine. He chose to wake up about 10 min into the monitoring, or maybe it was because the doppler was so loud in there. Dh says that they have compared the Doppler noise to a Mac truck driving through there. My doc was happy with the results(they gave them to her over the phone) and they discharged me. We originally were going to start scheduling the NSTs in about a month, but my doc told the nurse that I should go ahead and call to set up the weekly NSTs now.
The rest of the day I felt so drained. Relived, yes, but still drained. It's hard being a deadbabymama because you question everything. That little voice inside you that you used to choose to ignore or listen to based on the other evidence is now constantly shouting. And so when she said something was wrong...I couldn't even in good conscious ignore it. What if she was right? I kept thinking if she was wrong, I'd just feel stupid, but if she was right, I'd regret it the rest of my life.
So I listened to her, but she was wrong.
Dh thinks I should see a psych. I think I have been doing very well managing this pregnancy and not freaking out too much. I'm not bottling my feelings and don't see how someone in a chair sitting across from me could reassure me I'd get a live baby. No one can do that. So what is the point? I just have to try and stay strong and do what I need to do and hope with all hope I and the baby get through.
I'm sure there will be more days like this.
Did you know most babies who die of cord compression die while the mother is sleeping?
After reading the research, I find it hard to go to sleep and have been contemplating setting my alarm every few hours at night, just to check.
Sunday morning I woke up and my arm was asleep. I kept thinking if my arm wasn't getting oxygen, then the baby wasn't, since I was sleeping on that side. I waited in bed for the baby to move. He did, but only once, and very softly. Normally, he has been active all day long, kicking and rolling in there.
I ate breakfast and sat down at my computer. Usually the baby moves a lot after breakfast. I sat and waited. Two, maybe three movements, but faint.
I went about the rest of the morning trying not to freak out. Finally, I was on the edge. I lay down on my bed, on my side after consuming a glass of juice. Nothing. Dh tried to wake him up. Nothing. I was melting down. It was almost noon now.
I called my OB and she called the Hospital to come in for an NST. On the way there in the car I had the music off and was trying to feel. I felt one very soft movement as I was turning into the parking lot.
I was a mess but trying not to cry. The nurse was very nice. She hooked me up to the HB monitor and found it right away. I told her why I was anxious. She said not to worry about sounding crazy and if that happened to her, she would be in here too. She said if I wanted to and if it made me feel better, she'd hook me up to it every day if I wanted. She went over the kick count sheet and I told her I was already doing that and that is why I was worried.
Baby was fine. He chose to wake up about 10 min into the monitoring, or maybe it was because the doppler was so loud in there. Dh says that they have compared the Doppler noise to a Mac truck driving through there. My doc was happy with the results(they gave them to her over the phone) and they discharged me. We originally were going to start scheduling the NSTs in about a month, but my doc told the nurse that I should go ahead and call to set up the weekly NSTs now.
The rest of the day I felt so drained. Relived, yes, but still drained. It's hard being a deadbabymama because you question everything. That little voice inside you that you used to choose to ignore or listen to based on the other evidence is now constantly shouting. And so when she said something was wrong...I couldn't even in good conscious ignore it. What if she was right? I kept thinking if she was wrong, I'd just feel stupid, but if she was right, I'd regret it the rest of my life.
So I listened to her, but she was wrong.
Dh thinks I should see a psych. I think I have been doing very well managing this pregnancy and not freaking out too much. I'm not bottling my feelings and don't see how someone in a chair sitting across from me could reassure me I'd get a live baby. No one can do that. So what is the point? I just have to try and stay strong and do what I need to do and hope with all hope I and the baby get through.
I'm sure there will be more days like this.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Anxiety...
I woke up last night in a sweat coming from the lower half of my body. I then freaked out trying to figure out if I was lying in amniotic fluid. I went to the bathroom and still couldn't really tell because sweat and amniotic fluid both don't really have a smell to them.
I then proceeded to dream that I had milk coming out of my breasts and started pumping in anticipation for the arrival of the baby. But I couldn't shake the weird feeling I had about why I was having milk before the baby came. And the only thing I kept coming back to was that birth was a positive feedback mechanism which caused the body to produce milk.
I lay awake in terror until I felt movement.
Sometime my son came to bed. I'm not sure why. He hasn't done that in over a year at least. He came in and went to sleep
My last dream was about this family at my son's school. They have a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a 2 year old and now she is expecting again. I dreamt I had the 3 year old and the two year old in addition to my own son and I lost hers at an open mall. At some point my sister showed up to help me find them, but I kept seeing little blond boys everywhere, but none were the right ones.
I think you all have me officially freaked about this GD thing. Last night before going to bed I read about how babies can have weaker hearts and GD puts them at risk for stillbirth. But the treatment for GD just seems to be watching your diet and exercising. I've been exercising regularly throughout the pregnancy, but because I was freaked out about artificial sweeteners, had switched to regular sugar. I feel like I'm totally screwing this up.
On top of which yesterday I kept thinking about how I wished I were more comfortable, thin and relatively carefree again (i.e. not pregnant). I think that's a cop-out though. I think I am a coward.
I then proceeded to dream that I had milk coming out of my breasts and started pumping in anticipation for the arrival of the baby. But I couldn't shake the weird feeling I had about why I was having milk before the baby came. And the only thing I kept coming back to was that birth was a positive feedback mechanism which caused the body to produce milk.
I lay awake in terror until I felt movement.
Sometime my son came to bed. I'm not sure why. He hasn't done that in over a year at least. He came in and went to sleep
My last dream was about this family at my son's school. They have a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a 2 year old and now she is expecting again. I dreamt I had the 3 year old and the two year old in addition to my own son and I lost hers at an open mall. At some point my sister showed up to help me find them, but I kept seeing little blond boys everywhere, but none were the right ones.
I think you all have me officially freaked about this GD thing. Last night before going to bed I read about how babies can have weaker hearts and GD puts them at risk for stillbirth. But the treatment for GD just seems to be watching your diet and exercising. I've been exercising regularly throughout the pregnancy, but because I was freaked out about artificial sweeteners, had switched to regular sugar. I feel like I'm totally screwing this up.
On top of which yesterday I kept thinking about how I wished I were more comfortable, thin and relatively carefree again (i.e. not pregnant). I think that's a cop-out though. I think I am a coward.
Monday, November 9, 2009
28 weeks.
Well, I sorta failed the glucose test. But I think it was because the few days before my stomach hadn't been feeling well and I ate nothing but applesauce, crackers and gatorade. Definitely way more carbs than normal so I talked to my doctor and she agreed to let me do it again. It was borderline anyways 147 and the cut-off is supposedly 140. So the results were just 'elevated'. I really don't want to do the 3 hour one. I don't think I have GD at all. I haven't gained that much weight, no swelling everything normal.
They also checked my blood iron levels and they have gone down since the first trimester screening, but not in the anemic range yet. I thought for sure with all the red meat I've been craving, those numbers would have been up. I have tried to be more aware of my iron intake since the statistic is that about 50% of pregnant women are anemic.
We still don't have a name. I want something that can be shortened for familiar purposes, but also something that can sound professional. I'm leaning toward 'C' names. My first name I wanted was 'James', but the meaning of James is supplanter....which basically means 'replacement'. I refuse to think of this baby as the replacement baby so that name and all its derivatives are out. Anyone have any not too popular but not to0 unique, man-ish and boy-ish at the same time name ideas? Because even if he doesn't make it, we'll still need a name.
The worry has started to set in. My doc says that starting at 34 weeks we will do weekly non-stress tests in addition to the weekly doctor visits. I'm so close...yet, so far to go before I can hold a live baby. Please let this happen for me.
They also checked my blood iron levels and they have gone down since the first trimester screening, but not in the anemic range yet. I thought for sure with all the red meat I've been craving, those numbers would have been up. I have tried to be more aware of my iron intake since the statistic is that about 50% of pregnant women are anemic.
We still don't have a name. I want something that can be shortened for familiar purposes, but also something that can sound professional. I'm leaning toward 'C' names. My first name I wanted was 'James', but the meaning of James is supplanter....which basically means 'replacement'. I refuse to think of this baby as the replacement baby so that name and all its derivatives are out. Anyone have any not too popular but not to0 unique, man-ish and boy-ish at the same time name ideas? Because even if he doesn't make it, we'll still need a name.
The worry has started to set in. My doc says that starting at 34 weeks we will do weekly non-stress tests in addition to the weekly doctor visits. I'm so close...yet, so far to go before I can hold a live baby. Please let this happen for me.
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