Happy Shiny....not!

Why can't I be happy shiny rainbows about this pregnancy? Oh that's right, because my baby died last time...without warning, because her damn cord got wrapped around her leg so tight it cut off the oxygen supply, effectively suffocating her.

The more you know, the more you worry about. Things I read in my Pregnancy week by week book this week....

Placent.al abrupt.tion: when the placenta detaches from the uterus, cutting off the oxygen supply/blood flow to the baby. Estimated to be about 1 in 80 deliveries

Va.sa Pr.via: when the blood vessels of the cord cross the opening of the cervix. During cervix dilation or membrane rupture (early labor) the vessels can rupture and baby could bleed to death, or they can be squished, cutting off the oxygen supply to the baby. If not diagnosed, nearly 65% of the babies die. 1 in 3,000 deliveries.

Umb.ilical-Cord Prola.pse: where the umbilical cord is pushed out before the baby. My friend had this happen to her with her first. When she lost her mucous plug, the cord came out and killed her baby. It can also happen during the birth process (but is more fixable then since you'd be rushed into C-section) 1 in 300 (or 500) deliveries.

I've accepted that cord accidents happen and cannot be prevented, but now I have all this new stuff to worry about. The problem too, is that a risk factor for many of these is "multiple births"...and yeah, this is my #3

Normal mothers worry about pain during labor, or being able to breastfeed, etc. No, not me, I worry about all the ways my baby could die.....again. But what can I do? I have my late term ultrasound tomorrow morning and will definitely be asking questions about where the placenta is and if they check for a short umbillical cord or the vessels, blood flow through the cord. They should be used to my questions by now. Anything else I can ask?
Everyday is hard because I just want to get the baby out before something can go wrong.
My mother used to say, "easier to take care of inside"...but we all know that is not true. We have such little control inside and it scares me to death.

Holiday Surrealism..

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. While not a huge fan of the holiday, I find myself picturing Christmas next year with my two boys....and it scares the shit out of me. It feels almost like when you have had too much to drink and you alter between wanting to giggle or cry uncontrollably at the same time, room spinning and all.
But how is it that I had a whole other dream? How is it that I have a dead baby? a dead daughter? How is it that I pictured my life with a little boy and a little girl and being perfectly happy. Those thoughts seem so far away. It feels like it never happened...like the remnants of some faraway dream...that didn't happen to me.
I'm finally ready to embrace the next future. I accept that I don't know what will happen, that I cannot control it. I accept the unknowing, the unknown joy or the unknown pain. I am simply here, present. I have a son who is sleeping in his bed right now, dreaming of Christmas, and one here in my womb, developing...gestating...
As surreal is the past, so is the future. Labor seems like something I will never go through, even though it may be a mere 5 weeks from now (or less). I want to hold him. I want to look into his eyes and feel his warm squirming body. But it feels so far away...just another dream. The only thing I know for sure is where I am right now, in the present, sitting here on my couch, imagining my son opening up his gifts about 30 hours from now. And IT FEELS OK. I feel safe here, in the present.

Channeling Ja.ckie O..

After having a stillbi.rth, another that passed away 2 days after birth, and being in the car while her husband was killed, yes, I think she is right about this:

"What is my proudest accomplishment? I went through some pretty difficult times, and I kept my sanity."

-J.K.O.

Hopeful

Two of my friends here in DBland found out they are pregnant in the last couple of weeks. I am scared with them, but also hopeful that things will turn out. Geez, they have to, right? I know the first trimester is sometimes the scariest, the unknowing and the not being in control of it all.

So S and G, I'm rooting for you both!