My heart is so full.
I love him so much.
Our family finally feels complete.
I am so grateful.
After all the shit I've had to go through, I feel like I've earned this.
I've earned the right to feel as happy as I do.
And I do, truly feel this happy.
I've resisted the urge to post because I know some of you are in the deepest pits still. And it makes me sick to think about how crappy you probably feel. Because I KNOW, I was there. But I wanted to give you hope. You CAN truly feel that unabated happiness again...because I do. And I NEVER thought I'd feel this way again. So therein is the guilt at feeling so happy. Almost manic happiness at times. My hope for all of you is that you get to feel this way again. I wish it with all my heart.
My heart is so full it feels it could burst.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Shadow Children..
The pictures of the shadow children, all grown up to 3 years, especially the girls, just kills me.
I can't look at their pictures without wondering..
I can't look at their pictures without wondering..
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Happy Birthday Precious One
Three years ago today I was doped up on Am.bien and epidu.ral.
You came into this world just like your two brothers, except quietly. I initially wanted a c-section. I thought the act of tearing you from my body fitted with how I felt my heart had been ripped out. But the doc knew best and I obliged. There was no labor, no pain. I waited for you to come and when you were ready, I gave two gentle pushes and you were out.
You were beautifully still and strikingly warm.
I saw you and named you Jessica Anne. We dressed you in pink and took turns holding you, saying goodbye to the hopes and dreams we had for you, our daughter, our granddaughter, our niece.
You forever changed my life. Forever changed the course I was on. I swam through the grief, sometimes almost drowning until the path was clear and I came up for air.
Your life and death has purpose.
And although the world forgets, I will not. You memory lives on inside my heart, locked and timeless with emotion.
Happy birthday precious one.
One year ago today, little G was conceived. My hope was tentative, but renewed. And now you bring joy to my life every day.
You came into this world just like your two brothers, except quietly. I initially wanted a c-section. I thought the act of tearing you from my body fitted with how I felt my heart had been ripped out. But the doc knew best and I obliged. There was no labor, no pain. I waited for you to come and when you were ready, I gave two gentle pushes and you were out.
You were beautifully still and strikingly warm.
I saw you and named you Jessica Anne. We dressed you in pink and took turns holding you, saying goodbye to the hopes and dreams we had for you, our daughter, our granddaughter, our niece.
You forever changed my life. Forever changed the course I was on. I swam through the grief, sometimes almost drowning until the path was clear and I came up for air.
Your life and death has purpose.
And although the world forgets, I will not. You memory lives on inside my heart, locked and timeless with emotion.
Happy birthday precious one.
One year ago today, little G was conceived. My hope was tentative, but renewed. And now you bring joy to my life every day.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
She died today.
I looked through her things on the shelf.
I saw her footprints, her hair locks, her pictures.
I saw that she was.
And I cried because I almost didn't believe it was real.
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