It it weren't for my husband and my son, I'm pretty sure I would have stayed in bed, wandering in and out of consciousness, for a large duration of the day. Although this scrares me, I realize how lucky I am to have them-if not only to have something to do for the day
This is going to be a long summer, one that I was looking forward to spending with two and being so busy it would soon be September when my students return.
I feel like the oldest almost 25 year old in the world. My prospective boss confirmed this yesterday.
I also have decided to disinvite my newly ex-friend to an event we are having at our house after what happened Saturday(I mentioned her in my other post). I basically called her crying saying I needed to not be alone right now and she dismissed me, saying that she had other plans. I later called her back to tell her how angry I was with her, but somehow the words just didn't come out right. (I wanted to scream at her but instead I came off a little passive agressive and polite) Looking back, there were other times when I needed her after my son was born and she wasn't there either. And when I think about all those times when I dropped everything to hear her sob stories over boyfriends and her parents......If friendship were a bank account, she has maxed out her credit and is no longer a good credit risk.
I know it is a little petty, but when relationships become too draining and dysfunctional, I get out. I need to see some sort of return on my investment, that is just who I am. I am not a martyr. I don't expect her to understand what I am going through, but I do expect her to have a least a little compassion after 7 years of "friendship". It pains me that I've had more support from people I barely know. I've realized that the "I'm sorry's" and the other phrases people say sound empty because they have know idea, I'm glad they have said them. It is almost as there is a list in my head and when people say their condolances, I put a check mark by their name-knowing they are at least thinking of us. From her, we didn't hear this. We got a card in the mail, a week later that still didn't say this. It just said "god bless".. nothing personal from someone who lives a couple miles away, who reluctantly planned my first shower (only because I asked) and came to my last.
Did I mention she didn't even make an effort to go to the memorial? Everyone was there. but she wasn't . The whole thing is strange and I'm done
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2 comments:
I remember these days all too well. I too was grateful that Zak and Abba needed me. I don't think I would have ever gotten out of bed. Going through this, for me, shed some light on who my true friends were.
Please know that I'm thinking of you. If there is anything I can do...please let me know.
~Carole
http://thejourneyfromhere.spaces.live.com
I know when I first read your blog the first thing I thought was ' g its good she already has a child'. Not because i think the pain is easier but for the reason you said. You have a reason to get up and you have a little person to take your mind off everything, if only for a few minutes.
Ahh the friend thing is odd. Everyone dropped S and I like a hot potato! people didn't bother ringing and then we would run into them in the street (we lived in a little town at the time) and then it would be really bad because they didn't know what to say so they would make up fibs like ' oh I have tried to ring' (we have a answer machine and caller ID so we know who had tried to call and who hadn't).
Often it is those who you call your ' closest friends' that do the runner.
I have had 2 really bad experiences with friends. One called - they didn't know we had had Zak so they were calling to see how i was and so on pg wise - and when I told her she just said ' oh, i have to go, bye!' And then she hung up.
And another friend told me a few weeks after Zak died that 'she knew how i felt because they just had to put their dog down'. I had nothing to say to that. i know she didn't mean it to be horrible but I'm sure you understand why i feel odd about that comment.
We ended up moving for S's work. I was so happy to be moving away from a group of people who said they were my friend but didn't know how to show it.
People don't know what to say and for some strange reason they think after 1 month you should be over it and have moved on. Thats what would make them feel better. But it just doesn't work like this. You will never be over it.
Sorry this has ended up being so long. I just wanted you to know we all have gone through these things and its not just your friends that are strange. its just how some people are.
huge hugs
xxx
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