Morning:
The universe was crapping on us...literally.
My son had a stinky toddler blowout that somehow managed to get on DH's work clothes just as we were going to drop him off at the train for work. I somehow escaped getting any on me and successfully changing all of his clothes...or so I thought
Upon returning, the toilet overflowed which freaked my son out (I fear he will never be potty trained now due to this tramatic event whic left him screaming and crying hysterically for several minutes) And let me tell you, I have NEVER seen so much water come out of a toilet in my life! Turns out, there was no reason for it to have done this. Apparently I was supposed to turn off the water valve when this happens but was left in an indescisive stupor as to whether to calm him down first or grab towels so DH won't get upset about the soggy rotting floor.
These were the high points of my day.
The low points:
Having my friend pressure me to get into a therapy session at her/my church. Every polite excuse I tried to give her was met with some reason I needed to "take advantage of this". blah blah. I really don't feel like I need therapy at this point. Whatever...made me feel like I was "repressing" something or whatnot
Crying in the District HR department because the benefits admin was describing the benefits I'd have with this new job in the fall and she got to the point where she said, "you have just one child or..?" ...to which I had no idea how to answer that. She gave me a strange look as I started balling and I eventually had to explain this insane reaction to a dependents benefits question. (this was after talking with the HR guy who had just hired me and I somehow managed to bring up my daugher which of course left everything awkward--I need to keep my mouth shut sometimes)
Talking with my mom on the phone and somehow it came up that we were planning on trying in the fall and she said, 'well, can we not do this right now?" referring to not talking about sad things I guess. Made me feel like crap that I was making her depressed.
Laughing hysterically with my son after sampling a bottled margarita mix drink of sorts that my friend brought over last night. I swear I have no tolerance after 9 months of sobriety. He thought I was playing a game, but no, mommy was just a little drunk. How guilty I felt. Luckily we were in the process of putting him to bed.
Crying over an email from someone who asked me about baby #2 who didn't know......
Here's hopin' for tomorrow ya'll.
missing_one
About Me
- missing_one
- west coast, United States
- I'm here because it seems to be helping. I am mother to a toddler and we lost our beautiful daughter on Mother's Day 2007 because of cord compression . Ironically, the day she died in the womb, May 12, was her "exact" due date(40 weeks). So many things like this I cannot explain. We welcomed our 'rainbow baby' Jan 2010! Email me: amendingheart at gmail dot com
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5 comments:
I hope your day has been better today. Peace to you.
I'm so sorry for your loss. :(
What a day... I hope tomorrow is kinder to you.
Your experience with HR reminds me a little of a conversation I had to have with a life insurance rep. not long after our twins died. It was one of those long questionnaire type things where they ask you everything under the sun. So of course she asks how many pregnancies. Me: "Three." How many children? Me: "Two" (at that time). She pauses as that registers. Later she asks if I have lost anyone close to me in the last year. Me: "Yes, two children." Again, slight pause. Later she asks if I am now or have ever been in therapy. Me: "Yes, I am right now." She asks why? Me: "Well... grief." And she continues on...
Sigh... some days are like that. But they still hurt.
I think that paperwork can be some of the harshest reminders. I am sorry the day was so hard.
I saw your comment on my blog. Please email me at eightmillionpieces @ gmail .com and I can help you find info on cord accidents. I see that you don't have an email address attached to your profile (I don't either!). You may want to consider getting an email account through gmail or hotmail or yahoo that you can use for blog-related email only. It allows you to keep your anonymity.
I'm so sorry your day was crappy in so many ways. I recently had a literal crap-fest that lasted for a couple of days when we had some plumbing troubles. While other people might experience similar things and not make a "cosmic connection" I really did feel, like you wrote, that the universe was crapping on us.
It's too bad that you felt so pressured by your friend about therapy. She was probably meaning well and all, but therapy is such a personal thing. I'm not sure if it would have really helped me out when my grief was as fresh as yours. I am seeking it out now, though. It can be hard to find the right person at that, so there is no guarantee that the therapist at your church would even be a good fit.
Other people who haven't suffered the loss of a child will most likely have a very difficult time understanding what you are going through. I found a lot of support online at a message board specifically for stillbirth. The women there were very supportive. It was helpful for me to read through the archived messages to see what they had gone through. I found it to be reassuring to read that these women had experienced many of the same thoughts, feelings and situations that I had.
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