Emotional Check-In

This week was OK. Overall, I feel like things are starting to feel like they are getting back to normal. *I* am starting to feel more like myself (and consequently finding more about who that is)

The lows:

Monday- being around my friend and her two boys. It doesn't help that she is always dumping the 9 month old on me. I tried to go to lunch with them, but got there and excused myself. I honestly just didn't feel like dealing with the "left-out" feeling right then

Wednesday-Oprah and the gym incident, enough said.

Friday-rearranging Jessica's things on the shelf and looking through all of it. I wouldn't necessarily call this a low because while I did cry, I felt like it was good that I can still cry and just feel this deep sorrow.

The rest of the week I felt pretty good really. It helped that we were having an event at our house and so there was so much to do and people to visit with, that I
kept busy.
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A new feeling is developing as well. When I think of Jessica, most of the time I just feel this presence, this wisdom. It is as if she has opened me up to feeling wiser and more earthly, and more knowing. Before I felt like I was almost invincible; that I could do and accomplish anything. Now I know that I can't. I have limitations just like everyone else. Up to this point, I have lived an exceedingly charmed life. But now I realize just how precious and timely everything is. The rose colored glasses have broken and although the world is less sparkly and shiny, there is a deeper beauty in looking at the pure raw truth. I can only liken it to Monet's paintings where before everything was this fuzzy wonderful dreamlike landscape and now suddenly I can see the details and the flaws and although everything is in high definition- it is still beautiful.

I feel myself being more "present" here. I wouldn't say it feels necessarily "good" but it feels "now" and that feeling is a sharp warmness.
The other day as I was watering my garden, I became acutely aware of the sensation of the cool water of the hose hitting my bare feet in the sunshine. I knew then that all was here. I was in the past, present and future at the same time and not only that, but I knew that these three friends were with me the whole time, working together, even though I could only see one of them at any given time. This made me feel secure and at peace and most importantly "whole".
I finally "get it". I am not one person. I am every person. and We are everything.
I know some might think I've gone off the philosophical glass-half-full "deep-end" but this is just how I feel most of the time these days. I don't know what any of this means, and really, I've stopped trying to figure it out (well, mostly that is)

We'll see what the next week has in store.