I should have known when I post these horribly optimistic half glass full entries that I'm destined for an immediate crash down to earth. It happens this way, it seems. So can somebody PLEASE warn me in case I forget?
Tonight was a disaster. I tried to go to "girls night out" with the other moms from my playgroup.. I got there where a few were having drinks, said my hellos, noted the infant carriers with the blankets over them because they were sleeping..ok
More friends walk in and OMG I turn around....there is the week old infant baby girl who bears a similar resemblence in the face to Jessica.....
I say quick hello and make a beeline for the bathroom.
After twenty minutes and several pep talks later I emerge. Because at this point, yes, I could leave and that would be easy, but I really don't want to. Damnit. I want to have my girl's night. I flipped out and didn't go to the last one at the last minute. I deserve this.
I made it out relatively unscathed - after only 3 trips to the bathroom (only one of which to actually tinkle). This sucks. And I don't want to be the drama queen. I try so hard not to.
And I figured out, it is not always what people say....but sometimes just the pity. DON'T FREAKIN' PITY ME!!!!!!!!!!!! That's what I can't bear and often what sets me off.
When I came back in from one of the trips, the clueless woman said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you" to which I replied, holding back tears,an abrupt, "I really don't want to talk about this right now, thank you" and then as I had held onto it they had divulged into a full blown conversation as to how they all had their "two" and they are done having kids now---held it together until another one looked at me and whispered "Would you like a glass of wine? J, I'm sorry".... set me off again.. beeline for the bathroom.
Yes, another glass of wine please
I don't want to be the party pooper, but I am also so tired of isolating myself from people who I like and enjoy their company. I am tired of being alone. I try to join the living....but it is just so hard.
One woman, who had been through a stillbirth (her first of five *four living*) said, "you are so brave" but even that resonates because my mom said, when she arrived at the hospital after the delivery, "my brave girl"
It will get easier......I believe in systematic desensitization, don't you?
Off to cry myself to sleep and hope for better things tomorrow. After all, DH is coming home and I can't wait to see him and snuggle
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7 comments:
Oh my sweet sweet friend.
Don't be too hard on yourself. I know exactly what you were going through last night. It was just about the same time after Birdie died that I had found out about a weekly sewing circle/knitting circle for woman in my area. I did not know anyone there, but I decided to go for it anyways...just totally head on. I was greeted very warmly when I got there by the woman who organized it, (I had emailed her ahead of time). Other women there were also very nice, but did not know my "secret". After some conversation, one woman's midwife turned out to be one of ours....etc. I told them about Birdie, they were moms and I wanted to be part of their club. Not so long after a mom comes in with a stroller...a baby. A new baby. She sat next to me and began to sew, I told her about Birdie as well...then a little while later her baby woke and she went and got him to nurse. Well that was it, I slowly and politely excused myself. It was too much. I could not handle it, it was too hard and I did not want to be pitied (sp?).
So I left, I just had to.
Long story short. Its ok to want to get back to the land of the living, but take small steps...if it is too much that is ok, I don't think you should feel you have to force yourself to sit in a room full of new moms and babies, that is just torture. Maybe invite some of them out for coffee, no babies? Have you found any other mom's who have had a loss that are near you? Support groups?
It has made it a little easier for me and my husband to slowly ease back into the "world". We tried to throw ourselves in a few times, only to be slapped in the face...take it easy on yourself sweetie. You deserve at least that.
Lots of Love
Birdies Mama
The main thing was this was a group of women who I have known now since my son was born (2 years) and they ALL came to Jessica's memorial and brought me mom-dins (dinner) for two months after she died.
I just think that when it is a mom's night out, can't you leave the babies at home for an hour or two with daddy or just don't come and come to the next one....especially when there is someone there who just lost her baby only two months ago...a little sensitivity please?
You would think they would understand that "girls night out" doesn't include babies, but I'm finding that so many people have no clue about how to be around us. I agree with Birdie's mama, you've got to just start telling them before hand that if there are babies there, you might be uncomfortable. I turned down an invite to a 4th of July party and I told the host that was why. She understands now the difficulty I have being around babies now. I know that the ones that really give me a hard time are boys and boys that would be the same age as Jimmy. Definitely do NOT put yourself in a situation where you know you'll have to encounter a baby girl about the same age as Jessica would be. At least not now. I'm 11 months out from the loss (yesterday was the anniversary) and it still hurts. However I can be in public places. It just hurts more when friends that should know better force uncomfortable situations on you.
exactly! there is nothing wrong with asking them to do so....people should take it easy on you as well, they should be sensitive to you "not pity" you! Don't be afraid to say so either!
If they cannot understand, then well maybe they are not the best people to be around for a while.
That situation just seems like too much right now, I mean that kind of situation was for me...I just oculd not purposefuly put myself into that type of situation where the women there really could not understand of relate to me. Unless they had had a loss, they don't understand. I have very few people that I care to hang out with anymore. Only one woman who I do hang out with, she had a stillbirth 3years ago, and I only feel comfortable around her-she totally get's it. Other moms for me, don't get it...they get to "have their babies", so they are now kind of foreign to me....
Sweetie, do what you truly feel is best for you, most comfortable. You are most important, your heart is broken...you need kindness and understand that so few people can give.
Did you ever see the movie "Terms of Endearment"? There is a scene where she goes to New York City with her girlfriend and gets to meet all of her girlfriend's other friends, not knowing that they already knew she was dying of cancer. The scene ended up being kind of funny because she was trying to maintain some sense of humor about it, but honestly . . . that is how I felt ALL THE TIME after my three miscarriages. Like I felt like everyone knew, even if they didn't, and everything set me off. I cried over things that didn't even seem to have a connection to my losses. And sometimes I was so upset, I cried and laughed myself into a fit at the same time. It is so strange how our emotions are. I hope you feel better soon, sweetie.
To be honest I don't get why they had thier babies there for a mom's night out. Don't you do a mom's night out to get a break from the kids?
And don't beat yourself up about all the crying. I tried to go out about 8 weeks after I loss my daughter. That did not go well at all. I to spent most of the night in the restroom crying.
I hope that you can get a chance to try and get out again. And next time things go better for you.
I give you lots of credit for being with people so soon. I had to talk myself into going to my nephew's graduation party, and while we were there the babies started showing up. My BIL knew how hard it was for us and acknowledged it, which was helpful. We very often skip events where babies are going to be, and it sucks being so isolated but it seems to be safer for our emotional well being.
I do think it would be appropriate for you to request that certain nights be designated for moms only so that you can feel comfortable going and enjoy the company of your friends. I think there was a lack of sensitivity there.
I'm so sorry, again and again. Sending you hugs through the 'net.
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