Crab Cycle --a little boring to most

Okay, I went to the doctor and everything is probably fine, just my hormones haven't returned to normal yet. She ordered a prolactin and TSH blood work and prescribed me progesterone so I can do the 10 day test to bring on a cycle.
Wait wait wait. How frustrating is that?
I had hoped to be having normal cycles by now so maybe we could be pregnant again soon.

I'm averaging about one day per week that I feel really sad. I think part of the reason I let myself get so deep into that hole when it comes is because if I don't feel this intense pain, then who will? Who will remember? So I guess I've self-indulged in this feeling a little too much to the point where I have scared DH a little. Yes, upon reflection, it is self-indulgent to feel that intensely.

I have a strange feeling (and have dreamdt several times) that she was reborn to new parents on the other side of the world and it was their first.
How strange is that? In my head and heart, this is how I now imagine her. Sometimes I wish I could see her, so happy in somebody else's caring arms. How grateful they are for her. Maybe she was too strong to be a second child and would prosper better to be a first (maybe only). Although this sounds like guilt, I'm not sure if it is because I don't "feel" guilty.

After hearing other conversations last night (I went to girls night out with my mom's group that I haven't seen in ages), maybe it was better. All of them are having difficulties protecting their babies from their 2 year olds who seem to want to get rid of the baby.
I also think maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe I shouldn't have complained so much about having them being so closely spaced. Maybe our family just wasn't ready. My heart wasn't big enough.
It is now though, I am sure of it. I feel like the Grinch whose heart grew several sizes.