Spoke too soon. Ah the joys of the grief rollercoaster.
So, "He" and I have had a rocky relationship now for a few years. And this whole process has left my belief system so up in the air and now so uncertain and changing. I was for the large portion of my life, a Christian with somewhat Baptist and Protestant flavorings...now I have beliefs still, but they have changed, and altered in some really contrasting ways. I am trying to sort everything out as I begin to piece back together my life and who I am.
Part of it is I don't feel Jessica is in heaven. Three days after she died, I SWEAR she visited us(which I talked about in another post I can't find at the moment), but after that I haven't really felt her presence, except for a couple of other times, but then it wasn't a very strong one. I also had a dream later on that she was reborn to a new family, specifically on the other side of the world (another post). What's weird about this is before she died, I didn't really believe in rebirth or reincarnation, but this was an intense feeling that just came to me. Sometimes I think that when I feel her for a few moments, maybe she is dreaming of me..
So today I was thinking about her and maybe she is in someone's arms enjoying Christmas on the other side of the world and I thought, teary-eyed, "Does she ever think of me? Does she remember me and the love I had for her?
Do you remember the mama that loved you so much in her tummy for 9 months?
What makes me cry is that I don't think she does.
I remember you!!!!!!!
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I find that I question quite a bit lately myself. I do firmly believe that part of us never dies. Not sure about heaven but then again who is? Jessica's spirit lives within you and in the ways you honor and remember her. I got an oak tree from a friend and the card read "Welcome to JP's rebirth! Remember him as you watch it grow." It is sprouting now and I am so proud of that little tree. I nurture it-sometimes even talk to it. I find solace in that tree.
When you dream about your little Jessica, enjoy and embrace them. because she remembers you. She was part of you.
I sometimes have a flash of that same thought -- that my little girl's soul or spirit was transferred to my stepbrother's daughter, who was born at the same time my twins should have been born.
I don't know what I believe anymore.
I would like to think there was some sort of continuum some rebirth of souls at whatever level that is.
You know sometimes when you meet someone it feels like you've known them forever. Someone told me that meant that you were old souls that had previous history. So if that is the case our souls do indeed have memory, even if it's not tangible to us ourselves.
Yours and Jessica's souls will always be joined and will always have this memory of each other.
I'm not sure exactly where all our babies are, but I'm sure they are in a better place. And they know nothing of the cruelty of this world. But that's just me. I guess me and the cruelness of this world are fairly well intertwined these days.
It is so clear that you remember Jessica in every thing that you do. Beautifully written.
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