My son's birthday is Friday. We are planning a party for Saturday. Everyone is invited. Many are coming.
I wish.....
I wish we could plan a party for Jessica. I wish we could invite everyone to come and remember. I wish I could force them to remember.
Oh fuck..
May is sad. And each day closer to May fills me with much anxiety. I picture the word, MAY in capital letters, popping out of a calendar to crush me...
It is the month last year I was very pregnant at my son's birthday party. Sitting there, thinking "it won't be long now"
It is the month .....
It is mother's day.
Fuck, Mother's Day.
May...
What am I going to do?
I'm just anxious about the coming month...how am I going to make it through? How can I stay sane, go through the motions, make it through class without crying....
And it's not enough to worry about getting through a day or two...no, with my son's b-day, J's b/d-day, AND Mother's day?
Just how? Just how I will I do this?
but I will.....I know it is going to happen.....we always make it through somehow...
I just don't know how.
you know? Just FUCK THIS!!!
missing_one
About Me
- missing_one
- west coast, United States
- I'm here because it seems to be helping. I am mother to a toddler and we lost our beautiful daughter on Mother's Day 2007 because of cord compression . Ironically, the day she died in the womb, May 12, was her "exact" due date(40 weeks). So many things like this I cannot explain. We welcomed our 'rainbow baby' Jan 2010! Email me: amendingheart at gmail dot com
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8 comments:
Oh hun, if it helps at all, I am thinking about you as May approaches. I guess you just face it head on, with a lot of kleenex, valium and perhaps liquid libations.
I was thinking about you and Mother's Day a bit ago and thinking how hard it will be for you. I didn't realize your son's birthday is also in the mix.
I am not sure you know, but back in the fall Wannabe Mom (and Dad) at One Big Maybe held a memorial/birthday thing for their girls. She wrote a very moving post about it. If this is something you really want to do, maybe look at it and see if something like that is something you might find appealing.
This really does suck. I wish there were a way to make it better for you. I don't think there would be anything wrong with throwing a party for Jessica. She is as much your child as your son is. I'd come... you know, if I were anywhere near you...
Oh, missing_one. I can't imagine that it's going to be easy. But, you'll get through it. Just as you have this past year. Somehow. You'll just muddle through it all as best you can.
I've been thinking about you as the month and that day have drawn nearer. I'm so sorry it's here. Keeping you and J so very close to my heart. XO.
I'm sorry. I hate May for different losses, but I still dread it's approach much like you do.
I will hope that May goes by fast, and we can breathe again.
xoxo
hi missing_one, for what it's worth...
i hope that you can find a way to have even a small remembrance of Jessica with your friends and family. when we planned our memorial i was a little hesitant about what others would think but then i thought, fuck it, if you people give a rat's ass about us then you'll come. it was the saturday after thanksgiving. (incidentally, one college friend whom i thought was a good one, didn't show, didn't even acknowledge, and she is off the christmas list.) anyway, the people who came were really thankful that we gave them the opportunity to share in our sorrow and to share in the girls' memory. many of them had no idea how to act and appreciated that we let them know what was ok.
i'm sorry that all of this is bearing down on you.
Thinking of you.
Happy Birthday to your little man!
Hugs
xxx
Very much thinking of you and Jessica. Big hugs to you. And as G suggests...go the mummys little helpers. hee..
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