We're back from our trip and I should feel refreshed. I had a wonderful time with wonderful food, an oceanfront room, plenty of wine, gourmet breakfasts and a jacuzzi, and yet I just can't help feeling like I am fighting back the tears.
The hours and days spent there with Dh was great, but I can't think about my anniversary, or Valentine's day without thinking about how pregnant I was when we got married. Pregnant and so hopeful for the little girl that was growing inside me. And now, I feel so broken and unhopeful. It just sucks.
I'm trying not to analyze it too much. I'm trying to ignore it. But the first thing I wanted to do when I got home was either take a nap, or curl up in a ball and cry. We had company so I couldn't do either. I hope I'm not falling into one of my spells, and I am fighting it, but in the end, I am not sure that I am in control of such things.
We'll see what tomorrow brings....if nothing good, then I am sorry that this place might be a bit of a downer for a bit.
missing_one
About Me
- missing_one
- west coast, United States
- I'm here because it seems to be helping. I am mother to a toddler and we lost our beautiful daughter on Mother's Day 2007 because of cord compression . Ironically, the day she died in the womb, May 12, was her "exact" due date(40 weeks). So many things like this I cannot explain. We welcomed our 'rainbow baby' Jan 2010! Email me: amendingheart at gmail dot com
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12 comments:
The chaplain at our hospital where the boys were born says. "the calendar can be cruel" and she's right. When you stop to think and reflect upon those days, it just hurts. Those days held so much hope and promise for the future and now they are just memories. I know times doesn't cure all things but I hope over time things get easier.
Hugs to you.
The getaway sounds so perfect. I hope you are able to stay out of the 'spell' but if not, know you can spill here all you need to. Downer or otherwise, we'll be here.
xxoo
I don't think that grief over Jessica's death is a 'spell'. That just seems too dismissive. If you are sad, then you are sad, and this is a great place to work through it. You don't have to fake it to make it here! ((hugs))
I am glad it was a nice getaway. I think coming home is often a disappointment because while you are gone you are sometimes able to "forget". But there's no excaping your own reality once you get back, which then just brings you down harder after feeling "up" for a few days. Maybe that's not true of everyone, but that's kind of what happens to me.
CLC - I think you totally hit the nail on the had there.
Glad ya'll had a nice time away...
wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and praying you have a good week. We are here for you always when you need to vent...don't ever apologize for your feelings!!! :)
I'm glad you had a good time away. It's so hard to come back to reality. Praying for you and thinking of you lots...
I tend to fall prey to the cycle CLC talks about too.
Hang in there hun. Don't apologize either, this is your space, we are here to give you comment hugs when you need them.
xo
Glad your back and - whatever you need to let out - we'll be here. Getaways, as Elm City Mom says, are filled with expectations. Coming home is too. Just feel - and see what happens, but you grief is there, regardless.
I'm glad the trip was a good one. Try to be kind to yourself and let yourself feel and write whatever you need to. Sending you love and best thoughts.
Funny how we can go so far away and never really escape anything. The let-down after can be hard, and sometimes you just need to hang on to that vacation mind-set as long as you're able.
Hang in there. thinking of you.
I always feel terribly depressed after I return from a holiday - regardless of the length of my time away. There's something about not being home that allows me to let go of all the hurt and longing and desperation I feel. And then I return, and it bears down on me even more heavily.
Hope you've been able to work through it. Thinking of you, J. XO.
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