It has been raining since last Thursday. We need the rain, or so they say, but the weather is not helping my mood improve. Yesterday I sat around in my pajamas and tried not to fall asleep or burst out crying. Part of me is telling myself to "suck it up". Other people have been in much worse conditions. So when I feel like I'm going to cry, my thoughts say, "don't cry, it's not fair". I'm not really sure who it is not fair to. In the moment, I am thinking about my son and Dh. It's not fair to them that I am down. It's not fair to them that I don't want to do anything. And so I peel myself out of my chair and make dinner, or play, or do the dishes. It is effort. I have very little motivation. I'm tired, I want to eat my emotions, I want to sit in my chair and do as little as possible, counting down the hours until it is a reasonable time for bed. It's not that I even feel classically 'sad'. I'm not thinking about anything sad, or feeling deep sorrow. I'm just down. It is a low that lulls throughout the day, progressively weighing me down. I don't think I could cry even if I wanted to. It's not sad, just a funk.
I was grateful I had to get up and go to work today. I was glad I had a reason to get up and be productive even though everything around me is doom and gloom; the drama of layoffs and unpassed budgets, the down economy, the rain. I want a fix. But as of this weekend, I have maxed out my caffeine and wine intake to where neither work anymore. I haven't been dancing either since classes where canceled for President's day and Lincoln's birthday. I hate this new side of me. I hate that part of me will always be in this place, the place of eternal mourning of the daughter and the life I thought I had.
It will get better, I know. I am hoping for the sun tomorrow. I know the sun will help significantly. I know I need to redirect. I need to focus my energies on something, but I'm not quite sure what that is.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels. No matter how I try and alter my path, I keep going in circles.
I still have hope though, and I am hoping tomorrow is different.
missing_one
About Me
- missing_one
- west coast, United States
- I'm here because it seems to be helping. I am mother to a toddler and we lost our beautiful daughter on Mother's Day 2007 because of cord compression . Ironically, the day she died in the womb, May 12, was her "exact" due date(40 weeks). So many things like this I cannot explain. We welcomed our 'rainbow baby' Jan 2010! Email me: amendingheart at gmail dot com
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6 comments:
that much rain certainly will bring anybody down. Sounds like you need a break.
I am just so happy to hear you still have hope...That is huge!!! Praying for sun in your life...
don't beat yourself up about being in a funk...if you need to cry, CRY!!! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
"I have very little motivation. I'm tired, I want to eat my emotions, I want to sit in my chair and do as little as possible, counting down the hours until it is a reasonable time for bed."
Welcome to my world.
I hope for a better brighter tomorrow.
The rain can be evil. I hope you find your sun soon.
I think we all do that thing where we compare our grief to someone elses and try to find ways to make ours seem somehow less deserving of our emotions. Maybe it's a coping mechanism but I think we sell ourselves short when we do it. You're entitled to your feelings. Don't diminish them. Have you thought about seeing someone to help you navigate your way through?
I hope the sun is shining for you now. Even if it's just a little bit.
xxoo
This is a perfect description of how I (barely) functioned for several years. Nothing to do with the twins-- this was an entirely different grief.
It was like living underwater or on a planet with a stronger gravitational pull. I never seemed to go forward. I never seemed to move on. I just drowned endlessly in darkness and sorrow.
The good news is that, eventually, imperceptibly, it went away. It took far, far too long and nothing I tried helped. But I did get better. And I have faith that you will too.
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