Doubt...

By all outward signs now, I look pregnant. Still when people ask or say the dreaded "C" word, I can only stare at my belly...full of doubt...full of disbelief..full of unknowing. I mean seriously, how do I know if there is a baby wiggling around in there? People tell me, "of course there is". I just give them a blank look. In my head, I say "you don't know that", but instead, I say, "I guess you are right."

I did a bad thing today. I may have tempted fate a little too much. I registered... Now before you all start thinking 'ick', let me explain. I had received a coupon via email for BRU for a $10 gift card if you register. At the time I wasn't pregnant, but hoping to be so, I kept it in my inbox. When I became pregnant, I looked at it again...and printed it out, thinking, "well, maybe, if I get that far". The only problem was that it expired 7/31. Today, because it was the last day, and because I feel like if I didn't use the coupon, it'd be like throwing away $10, I did the deed. And now I hope that fate doesn't assume I think that I will have a live baby.

I thought about what it was like in the baby megastore the first time I was pregnant with A. How confused I was about all the baby crap, and yet so naively, insanely, blissfully happy. I thought about J's shower and how I was upset that people who normally come, didn't. And how I was mad at them even more so when she died that they weren't there to celebrate in the excitement of her predicted arrival. I was adamant that I wanted a shower for the second even though most don't have one the second time around. I didn't want A to have pictures in the scrapbook of his shower and not have any pictures for J to have of her event. How stupid it all was. But I am glad that I did that for her. Words of my mother stick out in my head. I'm not sure when she said them, but it was after my sister's barely 20 friend who had just had her second healthy baby with another father unknown. My mother shook her head and said, "...when Jessica was so loved and so wanted" (referring to the unfairness of it all).
Yes, she was so loved and so wanted and so anticipated.

I wouldn't say that I live in constant fear. I think that the fear has changed into disbelief. I register, not thinking that I will get a live baby to use the stuff. But damnit! With all my heart and all my soul I want a cute live squirmy baby. MY very own. ..

I guess it is sad that others have to constantly tell me I'm pregnant. I just don't believe it most of the time. I WANT to believe it, but I just don't. Maybe soon I will.. I want to step out of the shadows, but can't...