Paralyzing fear.
Much like the 'deadbaby.deadbaby.deadbaby.deadbaby.' background noise I used to hear when the grief was raw, running constantly through my head, getting just a little louder when no one was around, now has started the mybabycoulddie.mybabycoulddie.mybabycoulddie noise.
And lately, it's just a little louder, a little harder to ignore. And when it gets loud the fear sets in.
This is so hard.
Some days I wonder what the hell was I thinking? We have the perfect family. We produced the perfect son. He is handsome and smart, courteous and polite. How can we reproduce that? I have a live son and a dead daughter.
Who was I to tempt fate again?
I've been trying to stay positive and keep busy. I've tried to imagine what I want. But lately, it's just not working. I'm on the verge of tears most of the time when I find myself alone.
Who the hell was I to think that I'd actually get a live baby?
How can I find some of that hope back?
missing_one
About Me
- missing_one
- west coast, United States
- I'm here because it seems to be helping. I am mother to a toddler and we lost our beautiful daughter on Mother's Day 2007 because of cord compression . Ironically, the day she died in the womb, May 12, was her "exact" due date(40 weeks). So many things like this I cannot explain. We welcomed our 'rainbow baby' Jan 2010! Email me: amendingheart at gmail dot com
me
Subscribe To
Posts
Comments
12 comments:
I have no magic words to say to take away your fear...all I can say it that I am thinking of you and praying for you and this sweet new life. Praying peace for you over these last several weeks and especially when you are alone and your mind works overtime. Sending you ((((HUGS)))))!!!
I'm not sure it's really hope you're after -- otherwise you're setting Hope up against Realism, and that's a tricky set-up. I think it's a matter of getting fear in check, and realizing it's totally healthy and normal, and just because you think something doesn't mean it's going to happen (sorry, I don't buy that positive thinking bs).
Hope, IMO, should be reserved not for concrete things that are difficult to determine (Hope this baby lives! I mean, don't we all?), but "I hope my family has the strength to go through this -- whatever the outcome may be." Because even if the baby lives, it's going to be life-altering for everyone, for a number of reasons. "I Hope I can get through the week."
I think because we're all so knowledgeable of the risks, we're also the ones who most understand that this can happen twice (shit, most people don't think this will ever happen the first time, right?). Which is . . . . hard.
Thinking of you.
I have been feeling really worried the last few days too. Can't wait until kicks are felt! At least I can check in then!
Some days I wonder what the hell I was thinking, too.
Thinking of you and wishing this weren't so scary and hard.
I wish we could all get a break and not have to live with the fear and the pain... Until that day, sending warm thoughts...
My sister, who recently had a baby after a 2nd trimester loss of twins, has a great word for this whole thing, and I hope it's okay if I use it here: Mindfuck.
I know it's a terribly difficult, terrifying time, but I hope that it's of just a teeny bit of comfort to know there are lots of folks here rooting for you and your little one.
Thinking of you, and wishing you strength and peace.
I so get this.
And I'm sorry.
Wishing peace for you. And, heck, for me too :)
Just lots and lots of HUGS.
i don't think you can really steer that boat, rather, just try to ride it out. enjoy the good moments when they come, accept the scary ones...they all come to pass. (easy for me to say, right?!?! i know..)
I remember those feelings vividly, as if it were yesterday and not nearly 7 years ago I was pregnant with my rainbow baby. One second at a time...that's all you can do.
Deep breaths, one minute at a time. Try not to time travel, in either direction. Try to live in the moment as best you can. That's the only way I was able to manage my fear.
I hummed alot to myself in the Dori from Nemo kind of way, "Just keep swimming" only I would say "just keep breathing..." one moment at a time is all you can do.
You can do this, it is unbelievably hard, but you can do it. Despite the fear.
If you ever need to talk it out, I'm here.
xxoo
Post a Comment