I'm feeling a little blue for no reason today. Maybe I'm tired, I don't know. But I'm slightly nauseous, probably because I haven't eaten much today. Nothing sounds good. It's hard to force yourself to eat when literally NOTHING sounds good.
Some friends of ours IRL just had their 3rd child, a girl. They now have a boy and two girls, all 5 and under. And I wish that I were happy, but I'm not. It's just not fair. Why do they get to keep their children? Yes, they had an ectopic once and it was "the worst thing that's ever happened to them", but really...
I hate these feelings. I admit that I am jealous. They have their perfect little family. This last one was 'unplanned'. I know I shouldn't have, but ever since I found out she had been admitted early this morning, I've had pictures of still ultrasounds and blue babies running through my head up until I got the announcement. I don't like these thoughts or feelings, but I think I just have to acknowledge them and move on. Being a deadbaby mama has taught me that I have no control over weird feelings and thoughts. How can you? They pop into your head just long enough to make you feel like shit for even thinking about them in the first place. Just have to keep yourself in check and move on. I'm sure tomorrow I will feel 'happy' for them and can offer my congrats. But right now, I have to deal with the crappy jealousy feelings. They have two daughters and a son, and here I am with months to go of worry until I get to hold mine in my arms. It's not fair. But we all know this.
And I got on the scale (like I do every morning) and I've lost another 2lbs. 2lbs today, 2lbs yesterday. Total weight gain so far: 8 lbs. Someone yesterday commented on how small I look. So I'm feeling guilty and hoping nothing is wrong.
My next appt. is next week....hopefully I will get to hear the heartbeat.
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9 comments:
Totally not fair....Praying you are able to eat soon, but I know how it is when NOTHING sounds good. I used to feel so bad and could not get past taking a bite of anything, but if I could just get a little bit of food in me, I did feel better.
Praying for your appointment next week and this sweet baby boy gives you some reassurance with a clear strong heartbeat!!!
Try not to worry about the weight. When I delivered the twins at 28w, I'd gained only 10 lbs and they were 4.5 of that. Try not to worry...
And those thoughts... I had 3 dreams that my brother's girlfriend delivered a still born baby or that the baby died. I think that in our world, we see the worst case scenarios until shown otherwise. It's our minds' ways of trying to protect our hearts.
who knows where these thoughts and feelings come from our - our brains are re-programmed - and often see worst case. Let them wash over you, pass you by.
I hope you are drinking enough fluids, maybe more important than food. I ate soup everyday, cause that was all i could tolerate. Bland soup. But that way, I got my fluids too.... hope you feel less nauseous sooooooon
For a long time I used to feel surprised when someone's baby made it. It was so illogical, I know, but it was there. It made me worry a great deal for the people close to me and to essentially absent myself from most other pregnancies. That last part is still not entirely gone. As to the original one... I don't think I am surprised by good outcomes anymore, but I am also entirely, completely not surprised by bad ones. It feels sometimes like callousness, but I prefer to think of it as realism.
I think it is also especially hard to just be happy for someone when you yourself are in the middle of the uncertain slog that is the pregnancy after. I certainly didn't dare think I could actually walk away with a real life baby, and so it was so hard to see so many others do it so routinely.
It's not at all fair.
It's good to be honest with yourself about what you feel, no matter how dark. Please be gentle with yourself and give yourself lots of credit for saying "congrats," for not hurting or striking out at people because of what you're feeling.
I'll never forget being in a department store, listening to two women chat at the rack next to mine about the one's surprise pregnancy -- while on the pill, that she didn't figure out until about 11w in. Hilarity ensued. I sat there and FUMED. Irony? I was 39w pregnant with Bella and there picking out a cheap robe to wear in the hospital. This was after a miscarriage and almost 2 years of IF, so I can't imagine what would sail through my head overhearing the same blather these days.
I'm with Julia -- sometimes I'm amazed we continue as a species.
i always think bad things like that...sometimes i scare myself with what goes through my head. and sometimes i scare (horrify) myself because i'm not sure what i would want to happen and not want to happen. and you know what? i'm not really that happy for people who have it easy. who says we all have to be happy for others? i don't think we have to. it's our brains, goddamn it!
I know someone with 5 kids, ages 5 and under. I feel similarly. I'm not sure I would choose that level of chaos, but I would have LIKED the option...you know.
All your feelings are normal.
Hugs hugs
xxx
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