I want so much to have a baby, to have THIS baby. I wish I could be one of the numerous pregnant women I see walking around these days in the babygush haze that enables them to rub their belly, register with their spouses, talk about weird food cravings with their friends. Oh and the constant complaining about how uncomfortable it is to be pregnant. I can't even force myself to think of a complaint in my head (although I'm sure it helps that I'm not terribly uncomfortable). I think they should feel so grateful to be pregnant, sometimes hugely pregnant. I want to say to them, "enjoy it while you can"..because sometimes it's all you have. By the way, has anyone noticed that it seems like the Preggos are out in mass numbers? Dh says it must be the economy picking up and people feeling more secure with jobs. I stare at each and every one if them, wondering. I wonder if there are any doubts in their blissful little brains that could conceive of the idea that they might not get to keep what's been growing inside them. But I move my raincloud along, so as not to get their feet wet.
Instead I am walking around, in a constant state of TRYING to stay optimistic, trying to think of the future with the baby without getting my heart too set on it. I don't talk about pregnancy to my friends IRL much. They ask how I am feeling or make comments on how I'm growing. I just force a smile and say, "good" and "yes, I'm getting bigger". But when I'm alone, and the quiet slips in, the yearning becomes intense. I like being pregnant, but would like it better when I'm holding a live baby in my arms. This race is dragging on and on whilst I watch others cross the finish line into safety.
With all of the holidays still to make it through, January seems so far away...
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8 comments:
I think I will feel the exact same way when I become pregnant again. I am dreading it, actually. *HUGS*!!!
I think the closer you get the harder it gets. I know I buried my head in the sane a lot and I RAN from other pg women. The last thing I wanted was idle pg chatter it just seemed so useless.
Hoping the holidays make the time pass quickly for you. And that January is filled with baby screams and lack of sleep:)
xxoo
I don't think you have to be optimistic, unless you want to be. I found realism worked fine for me. Honestly, it was hard enough dealing with everything that was going on. I don't think I could've handled the stress of making myself be optimistic well at all.
The last couple of months are very very hard. It's no longer an idea of a baby. It's this particular baby growing in the belly that we now love and want. And that makes the scary thoughts that much scarier-- the fear mirroring the love. I too hope that these last couple of months pass as quickly as possible for you. And without too many close encounters of the prego kind where you are put in a position to either shock them or silence yourself. It's not an enviable choice.
I can't think of anything better to say than hang in there. This is a scary, hopeful, crazy-making time. Thinking of you.
the preggos out in mass numbers? absolutely!
My boss likes to call it a baby explosion and she tells me weekly of a friend of hers that is newly pregnant. joy!
I just unsubscribed from a blog because she announced she was b=pregnant with a baby boy that they'd call Sam. I can't do it.
I think you hit the nail on the head: this is a different baby, this is THIS baby. And the tangling of those emotions must be really intense. I'm with Julia here -- no need to climb on the positivity bandwagon if it's too much work (I'm not a big believer in things happen if you think them, good or wicked) -- just stay real and true to yourself. If you can enjoy things in private, good for you. I understand completely not being able to enjoy those feelings in public.
Hang in there. It's certainly getting cooler and darker here -- can't be that much longer.
maybe its the bad economy keeping everyone in for the evening - or without jobs so they can provide daycare themselves. ?
well, we just have to experience these pregnancies the way we experience them. not much choice, eh?
Hoping for you so much missing one. I get the fear. It's scary and there's nothing that's going to make the fear go away. Just hang in there and try to enjoy the little moments when you can.
And fyi, I am not even pregnant, and I still am in awe of pregos every time I see them, wondering if they only knew.I feel like I stare and then quickly look away so I don't have to be reminded of the naiveity we once had (and wish I still had).
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