Little G (the baby) was awake last night until 3:30. While lying in bed around 7, I started to daydream about little dresses. See, I have a confession to make. When we were expecting J we had a shower. Since she was a 'she' and A is a boy, people bought her little girl outfits. My confession is that I am a horrible returns person. Many of the styles I was gifted with I just didn't like, and since they had a return label from M.a.cys (who has an easy returns policy) basically all that could go back, did. And I picked out all the cute little girl stuff I wanted for J to my heart's content. There was one dress I splurged on..it was a little big (18 mos size) but I'd figure she'd be big enough to wear it the following Easter. It was blue and fluffy in a soft way; it didn't have scratchy nylon underneath to puff it up. I think I had a dress similar to it when I was little. When J died, I decided to take it all back (yet again). There was no way of knowing if/when we would be blessed with another child and if it would be a girl. But I hesitated to take back the blue dress. In the end Dh convinced me that it was silly to hang onto it, not knowing what the future held. I spent the returns card on A, since he was my living child.
While I was in my sleep deprived stupor, mindlessly thinking about how I HATE blue for boys and pink for girls and much prefer green for boys and purple/blue for girls, I thought about all the things I would probably never have. See, even though I am 'young' as they say and could have another if Dh changed his mind about having two, I don't think I could go through with it again. This pregnancy was so hard. I did everything I could every single day to stay sane. But the worry.....the constant worrying that your child could suddenly die inside of you without warning and in an instant was terrifying. I don't think I could do another pregnancy again. And while I didn't necessarily think of myself as 'brave' even though others said I was, I do now. So to all you loss Mamas who have had a subsequent pregnancy, or the courage to simply try again, you are all immensely brave-probably much more than you realize.
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7 comments:
Thank you for always sharing your heart. I appreciate your honesty, and the fact that you always share the beauty with the pain. Also, thank you for the comment on bravery. I needed that more than you'll ever know. I'm thinking about you and your beautiful family tonight. *hug*
Thanks. Although it feels oddly calm (middle of storm?) now that I'm here.
And I also LOATHE blue/boys, pink/girls, not to mention road equipment boys, flowers/girls or worse: puppies/boys, cats/girls. (Dogs? Really?) Bella always looked awesome in blue, and that's what I put her in. Don't tell her, but I still sometimes peruse the boys department and pick up a shirt or sweater in a "favorite color" for her because the stuff on the other side of the aisle is a bit blinding.
Your story is so inspiring to me. I can only imagine what every day must have been like--and yes, you certainly ARE brave.
I hope to be brave someday, too--without sounding like a huge cheesy nerd, I read your posts as inspiration, hope for our future as well.
Yes, you certainly are brave. I believe going through a pregnancy again is a testament to how much you love your first son, and your daughter, and your newbie. Without that love there's no way it would be possible. Good job, mama.
all those cute baby clothes.... and I can totally see not wanting to do another pregnancy. It's hard hard hard.
I can't believe that I have missed everything! So glad to see G here safe and sound.
Hang in there, I am sure his safe arrival has stirred up all kinds of emotions - not to forget what sleep deprivation will heap on.
You are brave too. :)
It's hard to face your biggest fear head on, knowing what is at stake. I don't know if I was brave or just plain foolish. I am thinking about whether I want to do this again and some days I think no way and the other days I think I have got to give D a living sibling. But maybe that's just tempting fate?
Oh just thinking about all the clothes your left with when your baby dies makes me sick. I had my baby shower 2 weeks before I had zak and didnt put it away before he died. We came home from the hospital and had to face a bedroom with SO MUCH STUFF sitting in the middle of the floor.
Your better than me, I probably would have kept that little blue dress. :)
Hugs
xxx
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