I called my one of my son's best school bud's mother today to set up a playdate for the first time. Somehow we got to talking and I told her about Jessica. She went on to tell me her mom lost one as well before she had her (two weeks after birth) and about how many 2nd trimester losses her aunt has had. And I said, "yes, you don't realize how common it is" and she said, "well, the statistics are definitely correct if you just look at my own family. My grandma was pregnant 13 times but only had 8 living kids". And inside I got a little angry. I get angry because it IS so common. Stillbirth is 1 out of every 1,000 births. Babies die all the time- in the 1st trimester, in the second trimester, in the third trimester and even in the first few months of life. It's almost like when you meet someone you think, "What? You DON'T have a dead baby? What's wrong with you?" But-NO ONE EVER FUCKING TALKS ABOUT IT! I just felt so blind-sighted when Jessica died. I mean, no one ever told me that you could do everything right, have a textbook pregnancy for 40 weeks, and get a dead baby. It's funny that this still bugs me. I don't want people to live in their 'bubble'. They should know that this shit happens. I don't think it would cause them to live in fear their whole pregnancy but with awareness, at least if it DID happen or happened to someone they knew, they would know that it was a devastatingly common thing. They would know that they are not alone.
Anyways, Little G and I are doing well. I am so thankful he is here. My older son is adjusting and I am trying to give them both the attention they deserve. My heart is full of love for my two little boys I get to hold in my arms and the little girl who never seems very far from me.
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7 comments:
Oh yes.
and if people have had a loss, why do they still ask "is this your first" or "how many kids do you have?" What loaded questions for us unlucky ones.
hugs to u and the boyz
It is unfortunate that it is so common. It seems that everyone knows someone personally that has lost a baby in the second trimester or later. I have a coworker that lost her little girl around 7 month and she named her Jessica too. That was probably 20 years ago and she's never really gotten over it.
It makes me feel a little squirrelly when people say, "I just didn't think this sort of thing happens anymore." It makes me feel a little like a freak.
And I know I shouldn't, because it IS so much more common than people realize, and it's not from anything I did.
Whereas before I thought how awful it must be for this to happen, in a vague, sympsthetic-yet-distant kind of way--now I am amazed that people actually go to the hospital to have a live baby. Mind blowing, indeed.
Count me as angry too.
I'm angry too. I lost count of how many people shared their stories with us AFTER our babies died. And what was worse, how many said that they were never able to talk about with people before. Heartbreaking.
It takes all my strength to keep my mouth shut when pg people are walking around with no cares in the world. Thats sad I know. Mean even.
A couple of times I have been talking to strangers who are pg and they ask if G is my only child and I say no and then tell them what happened. I feel so bad after. They look so shocked and deflated.
Hugs
xxx
It does seem so common now. And I remember asking my grandma about her pregnancies and I was literally shocked when she told me she never had any miscarriages. really?
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