The Spring and Easter clothing is out...and I torture myself by looking at all the precious little baby girl dresses.
I want what I can't have.
And I feel guilty about wanting what's not in my arms.
I guess this is new because for two years, I could indulge a little in a make-believe little girl I might have in the future.
But there will be no little girl. There was one, but she died. We only dressed her in one outfit and it wasn't a dress, it was a onesie.
My friend from high school just had a baby and posted pictures of her little baby girl dressed in the most precious dresses, surrounded by daisies. Her little girl was born 3 days before my little G. She has two older boys. Three kids.
I have three too. And just like her, two boys and a girl. But she got to keep her girl, and I did not.
It's just not fucking fair and it never will be. You'd think I'd get over the unfairness after two and half years. Mostly I have, but right now, I haven't.
And I feel guilty about how stupid it all is, wanting to dress a child in a gender-specific, overly cliche outfit. I have two boys. Some don't have any children. Some only have one. So I feel guilty for wanting more more more. But I can't help it really. It must be human nature to want what we cannot have.
I was watching the Rach.ael Ray show and Kell.y Ri.pa was a guest star. When asked about how she balances work and her kids, she spoke candidly about her guilt at not being able to to go to all her children's activities. Then she said something that really hit home. She said something to the effect of, "Once you become a mother, the guilt takes over. I just have to space it out over a lifetime. Pace myself."
We all feel guilty, I guess I just have to learn to pace myself a little more.
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6 comments:
The guilt and unfairness of it all...I feel all those things too. I'm so sorry you feel this way. Thinking of you and sending you love.
I can't compare her guilt to ours. She chose the life she is living. She CHOOSES to miss those important things in her childrens lives because she likes her job, her career, her fame and the money they bring. Maybe in the beginning I could have sympathized with her but now, I see her on commercials, on guest spots on tv shows, on other talk shows and I think to myself, every second that she spends promoting 'something' be it a product, a show or herself, is a second she is choosing to spend away from her kids. She may be able to buy her kids everything they ever want but she will never be giving them what they need. A mom who says YOU will always come before anything else. (And I am NOT comparing her in anyway to the milions of working moms who work because they like it or need to and balance crazy, hectic lives) I am saying she has more money than she will ever need and still she chooses to do more. Guilt for her. Bullshit. She could change it all, right now. If she chose to. She doesn't.
You will never be able to change what happened, and it wasn't your fault,it wasn't your choice and you have nothing to feel guilty about. You miss your daughter. She should be here. Doesn't mean you don't love your boys fiercely. It just means you love her too.
And I think we will always want more. Because we will always be missing the ones who belong here.
xxoo
Hang in there hun. The guilt and sadness can't be easy post partum anyways.
xoxo
I too have 2 boys and a girl. I too didn't get to keep my girl. She is between my boys. I also torture myself in the Easter dresses, the little swimsuits, the holiday wear.. all of it. It's so hard, still. Two and a half years later, it is still so hard to believe she's gone, and that it's forever. Never to buy for a wee girl of my own. Too much to bear. I understand.
I'm working on being excited and getting ready for this little guy to arrive. And I'm doing pretty well, if I do say so myself :) I've been shopping a time or two and let DH drag me into children's stores at the mall. . . but then I realize that all I'm looking at are the precious little smocked dresses and the little socks with ruffles :(
I still torture myself with little boy clothes. I think even if you had a little girl you'd still feel guilty over her wearing the dress and not J. Be kind to yourself.
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