I took down my last post. I felt bad about whining a little. I was trying to say that even though it is hard, I know I'll get through it, I know it's worth it.
Having a dead baby is a perfect baby because they are everything you want them to be, except that they couldn't be that.
I know that having a live baby is better than a dead baby.
But it's like I keep waiting for the joy. The pure unabated-no-strings-attached joy I don't think exists anymore. I have everything and I am still broken. The hole is still there.
I hate that.
But I don't regret it. I love this new baby so much. In my head, I knew it wouldn't 'fix' things, but somehow, in my heart, I wanted it to. If I have 'two' I'll always have three. If I have 'three', I'll always have four. That's the vicious reality. No matter how I try to fill my life to fit what's in my heart, there will always be one missing. That missing piece to the puzzle you turn your house upside-down looking for.
I am the mother of three children who have shaped me into who I am....for better and for worse
edited to add: BTW, for those of you who have asked, I got my layoff notice the other day. They are closing my school and I will not have a job in the fall
missing_one
About Me
- missing_one
- west coast, United States
- I'm here because it seems to be helping. I am mother to a toddler and we lost our beautiful daughter on Mother's Day 2007 because of cord compression . Ironically, the day she died in the womb, May 12, was her "exact" due date(40 weeks). So many things like this I cannot explain. We welcomed our 'rainbow baby' Jan 2010! Email me: amendingheart at gmail dot com
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5 comments:
I didn't see your last post, but please don't feel bad and allow yourself to whine :) I can only imagine how hard it is and can be. And that's okay! We all know you're still greatful :) I remember a blogger quite a while ago wrote a similar post and then kind of disappeared. . . I so hope that doesn't happen to you! Work through it and let us support you. However you're feeling is okay. ((Hugs))
Your human..there are good days and bad days in life with a new baby and we never ever love them any less for it, and we never take them for granted..we just have bad days.
By feeling bad about it, or even never talking about it, your gonna make the rest of us loss mom's who are feeling the exact same way some days think we are alone and should be ashamed in our less then perfect rainbow baby thoughts..
No pressure though hahaha.
But really, I was super relieved someone else in my shoes fessed up to it still being life with a newborn, even if it's a newborn that is a blessed miracle. Sometimes I feel like a whinny ungrateful brat..
Love :)
You are definitely allowed to whine! You have every right to. You lost a baby and that loss is always going to be there. I'm sorry to hear about your layoff notice. Thinking of you.
Once again, I just want to thank you for your honesty. You have no idea how much it helps to know I'm not alone.
I think of you often and pray for you and your sweet family.
I'm so sorry about your layoff.
don't ever feel bad about bitching about motherhood. denying reality never helps.
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