I had this whole happy post composed in my head yesterday. It was about how lucky I feel to have two boys. How wonderful it is to have them and be able to mother them. How I finally feel I'm getting the hang of this being a mother of two, a wife, a caretaker of the household, domestic goddess...blah blah.
I'm not sure if it is last night's margarita I indulged in, but I started to think about the passage of time and it made me cry. My son's 5th birthday is in two weeks. I'm in full party planning mode. But this morning I stopped to think. 5 years. 5 YEARS!!! My 'baby' is 5 years old. Where has the time gone? Where are those wasted moments in between that I swore I'd make it up to him, to myself. And yet, here we are...and it's too late.
And then I think....SHIT. Jessica would have been almost 3....no longer a baby, turning into a little person with thoughts and hopes and dreams...FUCK....time.. In a month, it'll be 3 years..
Then I think of G....he is so young, such a baby, already 3 months. Soon he will be 3...then 5. What will I do? Why can't they stay the way they are? So cute, so fresh. The simple joy I feel of watching him giggle and laugh will be gone. He'll be an angry teenager soon enough.
My babies...
What will I do when they're moved away, all grown? When the 20 years of my life have revolved around them. How happy I am to be the one to care for them. It defines me... what will I do?
Will I feel the loss of two sons? As if they were taken from me like J?
Please time stand still, let me stay in these moments of happiness for just a few moments longer.
missing_one
About Me
- missing_one
- west coast, United States
- I'm here because it seems to be helping. I am mother to a toddler and we lost our beautiful daughter on Mother's Day 2007 because of cord compression . Ironically, the day she died in the womb, May 12, was her "exact" due date(40 weeks). So many things like this I cannot explain. We welcomed our 'rainbow baby' Jan 2010! Email me: amendingheart at gmail dot com
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4 comments:
All those things people tell you when that kiddo first comes out, "Savor the time! They grow so fast!" You hear it and think, "Yeah, ok. I totally will!'
And then it's later and you think, "Oh my goodness, how did we get HERE already?!"
But stopping to realize it, and taking the seconds, minutes in that realization to give your kids kisses and hugs and a little lovin makes all the difference.
They're still little, and when they're big they'll need you just as much--but in different ways.
Hugs.
I know those feelings all too well. I guess the best we can do is just savor each moment and hope that we have a lot, a whole lot of moments, left.
Time is such a bitch, isn't it?! I don't know how else to say it. I hope you don't feel the loss of two sons once their grown, it's hard to say how that will be. I never thought of how me growing up made my parents feel, think I'll give them an extra hug once I see them again! Until then, give them lots of hugs & kisses now, every day! :) I wish they didn't have to grow up so fast!
You too? I definitely need to stay away more often. Such beautiful things happen while I'm gone. Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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