Quiet.

It is strange to be around all our other friends because now they have two kids under the age of three.
Apparently, after you have more than one it "gets really hard"......and no, I don't need anyone to reiterate this comment for the hundredth time, while I try and silence the inevitable launch of snarky and bitter comments which ensue inside my head. Luckily, I am able to contain them and keep them there, while remaining civilized.

There must be some element of truth though, because as we were eating dinner at a local pizzeria with friends, I felt like on their side of the table, was mass chaos and on ours, for the most part, there was calmness and order (well, at least when you have them side by side)

We are the only ones who didn't jump into the raging, crowded, noisy, choatic, yet seemingly full of merriment pool in the heat of the summer....
We are left standing on the diving board.
We tried to jump...but didn't
The quietness of the open air on the board is stunning.

Edited to add: I guess it's not that I "silence myself" but that the snarky comments don't come. I almost miss them as evidence to a passion for reminding people that their bubbles are not indestructible. But somehow, I guess I don't really silence the comments at all, but silence the desire for the comments to come. I guess this makes no sense at all but after re-reading and thinking about the night, I don't know why I put that I was trying to silence them. It was only after, when writing the original post that I thought to include this detail. As if it was somehow "missing" from my recount of the event.....strange.

Frustrated.

Argh.
Tonight, I am very tired of being me.
Please, can't I be someone else for a few hours?

Care to Walk?

It's comforting to know at least one person wants to walk in my shoes (maybe not a mile)
These days, it really is the little things and just being "present"
Walking in the crisp fall air. Feeling the warmth of sun on my skin, contrasting with the slight chill of a breeze as it lightly brushes the little hairs on my arms.
Smelling the leaves as they dry and fall off the tree, rotting on the ground.
Being present.
Try it.

Precious and Waiting

First the Precious.
Yesterday we had a heck of a Halloween. My son's preschool went to the pumpkin patch in the morning, had a party in the afternoon, he got to see the fire engines on display at the fire house AND to top it all off, go trick or treating.
As we were getting ready for bed and taking a bath, I asked him,
"so what was your favorite part of today? Was it the pumpkin patch or the party or the fire trucks or trick-or-treating?"
he shook his head.
"no, mommy."
"No, which part was your favorite part of today out of everything we did?"
"Mommy"
"Being with mommy all day was your favorite part?"
"yes"

Ahhhh.....


In other news, I think I'm going to decide to wait before embarking on TTC.
If we wait until June or July, then I could still go back to teaching and have a full 6 months at home. Plus, I could lose those pesky 10 lbs, get my hormones and cycles regulated, and not start to stress about the timing of everything.
So I'm going to wait.

I've also caught myself saying weird things lately like, instead of saying doing something with A, I say "kids"....plural and in the present and future context. It's really messing with me.