I am sitting here in my living room, in the glider I bought for Jessica, sipping hot Oolong tea and listening to the storm. Yes, even here in California we get storms. This one has brought rain and wind, and even some street flooding.
As I'm sitting here, the house is rather dark because of the clouds, and very quiet because my son is napping. While I sit here, I am daydreaming of summer. Of hot sunny days, of summer fruits and veggies, playing in the pool, and being hot and blissfully pregnant. I can see myself watching my son play in the park while I stop every so often to touch my belly, in a time where being pregnant is a little bit of a secret.
Yes, I can see it so vividly.
If only it were sunny and not stormy. If only I had a new little someone inside with new promise rather than thinking about the promise that was broken. If only I were happy instead of just making it by day after day.
If only it were not the winter of my life and instead returned to summer..
If only...
Friday, January 4, 2008
The Rain..
I am sitting here in my living room, in the glider I bought for Jessica, sipping hot Oolong tea and listening to the storm. Yes, even here in California we get storms. This one has brought rain and wind, and even some street flooding.
As I'm sitting here, the house is rather dark because of the clouds, and very quiet because my son is napping. While I sit here, I am daydreaming of summer. Of hot sunny days, of summer fruits and veggies, playing in the pool, and being hot and blissfully pregnant. I can see myself watching my son play in the park while I stop every so often to touch my belly, in a time where being pregnant is a little bit of a secret.
Yes, I can see it so vividly.
If only it were sunny and not stormy. If only I had a new little someone inside with new promise rather than thinking about the promise that was broken. If only I were happy instead of just making it by day after day.
If only...
As I'm sitting here, the house is rather dark because of the clouds, and very quiet because my son is napping. While I sit here, I am daydreaming of summer. Of hot sunny days, of summer fruits and veggies, playing in the pool, and being hot and blissfully pregnant. I can see myself watching my son play in the park while I stop every so often to touch my belly, in a time where being pregnant is a little bit of a secret.
Yes, I can see it so vividly.
If only it were sunny and not stormy. If only I had a new little someone inside with new promise rather than thinking about the promise that was broken. If only I were happy instead of just making it by day after day.
If only...
Thursday, January 3, 2008
The Nitty Gritty
Okay, here's a nitty gritty check-in
The Positives:
-held my friend's baby boy and it was no big deal (I even smiled at him)
-lost another couple of pounds (yay!)
-have worked out everyday since last Friday
-I don't really have "baby" fever anymore. I really want to get my body back because I was so glad I did after the first because I tend to gain the same amount AND I had minimal discomfort because my muscles were pretty strong
The Negatives:
-past two day's I've had caffeine
-haven't been sleeping much (can't get to sleep until 12:30 and then my son has been getting up at 5-hence need for said caffeine)
-been feeling kinda sad...but it's really kind of undefined gloom
-I have tons of things to do before I go back to work next week
-the big storm is starting to come in (and it's supposed to rain for days...)
-trying not to get "burnt out" on my exercising
-everyone around me is either pregnant or trying and we are neither (I feel like we are being left behind. Even in deadbabyland) Okay, maybe not EVERYONE, but it feels that way
I wish I could think of more positives to balance out my list. Maybe I'll think of some more and just add them in later
I apologize for the boring weight-loss postings...it just kind of gets all-consuming when you are in the midst of it.
The Positives:
-held my friend's baby boy and it was no big deal (I even smiled at him)
-lost another couple of pounds (yay!)
-have worked out everyday since last Friday
-I don't really have "baby" fever anymore. I really want to get my body back because I was so glad I did after the first because I tend to gain the same amount AND I had minimal discomfort because my muscles were pretty strong
The Negatives:
-past two day's I've had caffeine
-haven't been sleeping much (can't get to sleep until 12:30 and then my son has been getting up at 5-hence need for said caffeine)
-been feeling kinda sad...but it's really kind of undefined gloom
-I have tons of things to do before I go back to work next week
-the big storm is starting to come in (and it's supposed to rain for days...)
-trying not to get "burnt out" on my exercising
-everyone around me is either pregnant or trying and we are neither (I feel like we are being left behind. Even in deadbabyland) Okay, maybe not EVERYONE, but it feels that way
I wish I could think of more positives to balance out my list. Maybe I'll think of some more and just add them in later
I apologize for the boring weight-loss postings...it just kind of gets all-consuming when you are in the midst of it.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
New Year Ambivalence
It may be too early to tell, but so far, I am rather ambivalent about the New Year.
New Year's Eve was pretty low-key. DH and I went to a French restaurant for a decadent meal. I'm happy to say that although I felt like a weirdo, I ended up ordering a salad and soup as my main entree, while watching DH consume a 5 course meal. But overall I was pleased that I didn't over-do it on my "diet". I did have Creme Brulee for dessert, how could I not? and we did share a little cheese fondue as an appetizer.
I had a couple of glasses of a Pinot Blanc (hadn't ever heard of that before) and listened to a little French ensemble.
The rest of the evening was spent with a few friends and watching them drink and be merry. I wasn't drinking, so I just tried not to think too much about what would have been different.
But so far, the New Year is not really impressing me. There are too many balls in the air. Will my mom get a job? Will DH change jobs or will his current job get better (probably not)? Will we get pregnant? Will all the pregnant people I know right now have live babies? Will I get to teach summer school? Will I have my job come next fall? Will my son get on the waiting list for Charter School? Will my sister figure out what she's going to do now that she's graduated college? Will I lose all my weight I want to or get burnt out and have to start again? AAAAACCCCKKK....
My head is going to explode.
Where 2007 started off promising so much, 2008 is promising nothing.
I really hope that means that maybe 2008 will be good because maybe it will be bringing unexpected things?
It's the end of the first day of January and I am all stressed out about thinking about the coming year. I cannot even wrap my head around it as, like I said, we are going into it with absolutely NO promises of anything.
I guess I can't get pissed if things don't work out because nothing was presumed guaranteed, right?
How will I ever get to sleep?
New Year's Eve was pretty low-key. DH and I went to a French restaurant for a decadent meal. I'm happy to say that although I felt like a weirdo, I ended up ordering a salad and soup as my main entree, while watching DH consume a 5 course meal. But overall I was pleased that I didn't over-do it on my "diet". I did have Creme Brulee for dessert, how could I not? and we did share a little cheese fondue as an appetizer.
I had a couple of glasses of a Pinot Blanc (hadn't ever heard of that before) and listened to a little French ensemble.
The rest of the evening was spent with a few friends and watching them drink and be merry. I wasn't drinking, so I just tried not to think too much about what would have been different.
But so far, the New Year is not really impressing me. There are too many balls in the air. Will my mom get a job? Will DH change jobs or will his current job get better (probably not)? Will we get pregnant? Will all the pregnant people I know right now have live babies? Will I get to teach summer school? Will I have my job come next fall? Will my son get on the waiting list for Charter School? Will my sister figure out what she's going to do now that she's graduated college? Will I lose all my weight I want to or get burnt out and have to start again? AAAAACCCCKKK....
My head is going to explode.
Where 2007 started off promising so much, 2008 is promising nothing.
I really hope that means that maybe 2008 will be good because maybe it will be bringing unexpected things?
It's the end of the first day of January and I am all stressed out about thinking about the coming year. I cannot even wrap my head around it as, like I said, we are going into it with absolutely NO promises of anything.
I guess I can't get pissed if things don't work out because nothing was presumed guaranteed, right?
How will I ever get to sleep?
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