Almost.....

Sometimes, I catch myself in a moment where I remember where I was.
Where was I, you ask?
Well, it was days spent playing with my son...that was my job.
My son and my hubby were the center of my world.
There was no weight on my shoulders from the heavy reality of life.
There just wasn't.
In those innocent times I would wake up, make breakfast and coffee, we'd get dressed eventually have an outing somewhere, eat lunch, come home for nap, then I'd make dinner and wait for Dh to come home.
Being a SAHM is hands-down the most demanding job, BUT there was never any doubt in my mind that I would ever quit the job or ever questioned the validity of such a job.
I knew what I was working for.

These days, my day begins earlier...and certainly less leisurely.
I wake up a little too early, get showered, get dressed, make lunches, make breakfast, wake my son up, get him dressed and fed, head out the door into commute traffic, get to his school and play for about 15 min before I leave for my school. Once I get to my school I have about 25 min to prep before my classes start. After teaching, I head back to the preschool, pick my son up, we eat lunch, sometimes go to the park, then nap (during which I pay bills, prep for class the next day, eat lunch if I haven't already, answer emails, return phone calls), then nap's over, time for dinner, then the bedtime routine, sit for a couple of hours, go to bed then wake up and do it all again. The difference is, I get validation from my students (sometimes) and my boss that I am actually doing a good job and know what I am talking about.

Sometimes I have to forgo the daily mess that accumulates in my house, succombing to weekly rather than daily cleanings. I don't always have time to play with my child when he wants it (of course I do make time to play, but also have to do other things like make dinner). I don't have mornings off to join the gals at playgroup, plan an impromptu trip to a museum or type of animal menagerie.
And so, sometimes, I remember this life I used to have---my purpose, and I almost want to go back to that.

I only sort of remember how stressful it was entertaining a young one all day long, having no validation from anyone, feeling like I was most certainly failing at my job some days, waiting earnestly for Dh to come home just so I'd be "off duty".

But I think what I miss really is the innocence of it all.

In that pivotal moment, while sitting there at the table playing blocks with my son and remembering how this was how I would spend entire days, I feel the rewarding warmth rush in. In his world, there is only love and security.

I realize then that it's not that I long for the days where I was only a SAHM, but that I long for the days when they were simple and pure. I think if I could, I'd be 3 years old again...at least then, things made sense and the universe operated in a somewhat orderly fashion.

Day Long...

All day I have been thinking about last year....
See, my wedding anniversary is coming up in a little over a week. I was in the 7th month pregnant with our 2nd (when the wedding was planned we were going to wait another year to have our second) in Hawaii, on the beach, surrounded by only our closest few friends and immediate family.

It was the happiest time of my life.

Hard......

I'm finding one aspect of my job hard.

The kids come into my classroom on an equal level. I make it a point not to know their histories or what they've done wrong to land here at the alternative school.
My classroom is a safe place-free from sexism, racism, bullyism, profanity, etc. (even though they may need constant reminders of how one should interact in civilized society)
I trust them until they give me reason not to.
I think with most of the kids, they realize this. I don't treat them like "bad" kids just because they may have that stigmatism.
But....
There is a point in the process, where sometimes you find out a little about them, and it hurts.

The other day, the receptionist relayed the story of how she was on the phone with the students' mother and the following conversation took place in the background
Mom: "I'm sick of you. I'm going to leave you"
Kid: "You can't do that, you're my mom. They'll throw you in jail for abandonment"
Mom: "I don't care. I can't stand you. I'm going to put you in foster care"

...

Please, don't have kids unless you are going to want them even when they are teenagers and struggling for independence, even when they try to get attention the bad way.

I was informed days later that there is a possibility this kid might be moving to LA

He said to me today, after I thanked him for his participation in the class discussion,
"Mrs. C, can you see I'm trying hard this week?" (as if saying, "can't you see, I'm not too screwed-up, I'm worthy of love")

I said,
"Yes, I see M. I really appreciate your participation and insight and I recognize your efforts. Thanks"

I know there will probably be a day where, without warning, he will no longer be at school. There will be no goodbyes. There will be no knowing what has happened to him, and how his life might turn out years later.

There is only hope. Only hope that maybe, in recognizing his efforts, he made the decision to be a good kid and learned that good efforts are rewarded far more in society than the bad. And that he is the only one responsible for his actions.
Afterwards, there will be absence......only to be filled with another...another one seeking, striving, trying, learning, ....

The hardest part is the lack of closure. It's like starting to read a book in the middle and after just finally getting into the plot, someone takes the book while you're not looking.

Morning Sunrise...

My thoughts as I was driving to work after dropping my son off at preschool,
"F@#k, if it's this hard parenting one child........."