Mixed Feelings, as always.

Just shy of 18 weeks and I definitely look pregnant. In fact, I probably look more pregnant than I should look, but after being the 3rd time that I have been this pregnant, I am told this is what happens. Of course I wanted to look pregnant, but now that I do, I can't help but feel others' judging eyes when they find out how far along I am. So every day I make choices; what cravings do I give into to, which I deny. I add up the calories in my head, make sure to subtract the calories from my workout. It is all within range, so I should let it go. Maybe I just need SOMETHING to obsess over. Something other than obsessing over whether or not it is still alive in there. And I guess obsessing over food is not so bad and gives me some element of that elusive 'control'. Or at least, so I tell myself.
I have been feeling the bubbles for a couple of weeks now. I know this is the movement. I am comforted by it, and yet scared when I go a day and don't feel it. Yes, the rational side of me says that it is normal at this stage not to feel regular movement, but the irrational has her little tiny silent freak out, especially since it has been weeks from my last appointment when I got to hear the tiny miracle heartbeat. Again, Ms. Rational, the bitch, my friend, allows me to ignore these fears by stating that at this point, if something were to happen, there is nothing medically to be done. Although timid to take any sort of comfort in the this pregnancy, I am fully aware that this glorious second trimester may give me the best sense of security (however false) that I will experience. I am out of the 1st trimester neck of the woods and not into the life and death timing perils of the third trimester.
So I sit here, just hoping and praying that there is still a live a baby in there. It is all I can do. Just hope. I am thankful that I was able to build up my hope reserves again after the grief for I need them now. There is no doubt in my head that these hope reserves will be depleted by the end of this pregnancy because I am hoping so damn hard for a little miracle.

We have the next *BIG* ultrasound mid-September....fingers crossed until then, well, maybe for the next 5 months.

If/When

I feel like I've been living in three worlds; the past, the present, and the future.

Before Jessica died, I think I spent most of my time in the future. See, I am a planner by nature. I planned almost every aspect of my life to that point. My college, my degree, my career, etc. I was in control. I succeeded and attained my goals and it felt good.

When the grief was so raw I lived almost always in the past. The how-it-should-have-beens, and what-was-meant-to-have-beens cycling through my consciousness for the better part of that first year. I was cheated by fate. I was knocked down more than once; slapped in the face, and finally cowered in the corner. The past forced me to reluctantly give up the future.

Then came the present. I had been trying and succeeding fairly well to focus on the job at hand and the family that was here with me. I tried not to take things for granted and enjoy the precious moments of each day. Even with TTC, I had given up on planning when we would get pregnant and stopped temping and all that. It was pointless to live in the past because those moments were gone. It was pointless to plan for the future, because she has proven to be a bitch that will turn and stab you in the back. So the present is where I found myself content.

Now, being what circumstances are, I am living all three of these. Everyday I cycle through optimism for the future, then pessimism from the past, and then finally try and focus on the present. My head is a big messy jumble of thoughts and emotions.

The strange thing (or maybe not so strange), is that when I think back to the past, I mostly think about being pregnant with A. I have so many vivid memories of the milestones in pregnancy I reached with him. I feel like I only have a few(three basically) memories of being pregnant with J. 1. The moment on the playground (probably days after POAS) when I told my playgroup mommy friends I was pregnant. 2. When I was lying on the floor in my son's bedroom, after an extremely rough day at home with him, wondering how the hell I was going to do it with two. And feeling sad and overwhelmed at that prospect. 3. Dancing in my son's music class while I was 9 months pregnant to the shock of the teacher, but enjoying it thoroughly with my son.
Did I just block out the rest of the pregnancy as a defense mechanism? Or was I really that preoccupied that I took my pregnancy with her for granted? I just don't know..

So I am trying to be optimistic. When I talk to Dh and others about 'plans' for "when" the baby comes....in my head I still think (if/when), but at least I've stopped saying it aloud. This is progress, right?

Doubt...

By all outward signs now, I look pregnant. Still when people ask or say the dreaded "C" word, I can only stare at my belly...full of doubt...full of disbelief..full of unknowing. I mean seriously, how do I know if there is a baby wiggling around in there? People tell me, "of course there is". I just give them a blank look. In my head, I say "you don't know that", but instead, I say, "I guess you are right."

I did a bad thing today. I may have tempted fate a little too much. I registered... Now before you all start thinking 'ick', let me explain. I had received a coupon via email for BRU for a $10 gift card if you register. At the time I wasn't pregnant, but hoping to be so, I kept it in my inbox. When I became pregnant, I looked at it again...and printed it out, thinking, "well, maybe, if I get that far". The only problem was that it expired 7/31. Today, because it was the last day, and because I feel like if I didn't use the coupon, it'd be like throwing away $10, I did the deed. And now I hope that fate doesn't assume I think that I will have a live baby.

I thought about what it was like in the baby megastore the first time I was pregnant with A. How confused I was about all the baby crap, and yet so naively, insanely, blissfully happy. I thought about J's shower and how I was upset that people who normally come, didn't. And how I was mad at them even more so when she died that they weren't there to celebrate in the excitement of her predicted arrival. I was adamant that I wanted a shower for the second even though most don't have one the second time around. I didn't want A to have pictures in the scrapbook of his shower and not have any pictures for J to have of her event. How stupid it all was. But I am glad that I did that for her. Words of my mother stick out in my head. I'm not sure when she said them, but it was after my sister's barely 20 friend who had just had her second healthy baby with another father unknown. My mother shook her head and said, "...when Jessica was so loved and so wanted" (referring to the unfairness of it all).
Yes, she was so loved and so wanted and so anticipated.

I wouldn't say that I live in constant fear. I think that the fear has changed into disbelief. I register, not thinking that I will get a live baby to use the stuff. But damnit! With all my heart and all my soul I want a cute live squirmy baby. MY very own. ..

I guess it is sad that others have to constantly tell me I'm pregnant. I just don't believe it most of the time. I WANT to believe it, but I just don't. Maybe soon I will.. I want to step out of the shadows, but can't...

Hopeful Confessions...

I know it's been a little quiet here. I am taking a course at the local community college and it is all day, 5 days a week. Basically the end of the school year came, then graduation, then we went on vacation, then we came back and I've been in class. I am staying very busy as usual and wouldn't have it any other way. ;)

Aside from that, I think you all know what my confession is. Somehow after going on BC pills to regulate my cycle for 2 months, the very next cycle we conceived. I've been scared every day. I've cried at least 1-3 times per day. I've been coping as best as I could considering the only people who have known has been Dh and I.

But today we went in for a 12 week scan and everything looks normal. I am tired of not telling people out of fear and am glad I made it to this point. I know it could all change tomorrow, but for right now, I'm clinging on to the hope that I actually might be able to bring home a live one in 6 months. Oh please, let me get to bring home a LIVE baby! I feel like an addict at times. I go in for the first U/S and see it has a beating heart. Then the next appt. I get to hear the heartbeat. Then this last appointment. I have 3 weeks until I get my 'fix' again. I need the 'fix' because it assures me, at that moment in time, there is a live baby inside there.
I just hope it's my turn. Please let it be my turn.

Any prayers, vibes, and positive thoughts would be appreciated. I am trying to stay positive, but this is a daily struggle.....no point of this pregnancy will mean safety to me. Not until I hold him/her in my arms....oh please let this happen..