Break..or Heartbreak, same thing, right?

I've only just started this 'break' and my heart is aching once again for a baby- a live squirming wiggling cooing baby. I think it is easy when you are on the TTC train to just keep to the schedule with the goal in mind, not really thinking about it in a fanciful way. I don't know. Maybe this is good. Maybe it is good to think about wanting a baby without actively trying to get one. But I do want one. A soft cuddly girl or boy in a soft cuddly little outfit with little booties they like to kick off. I even want the sleep deprivation and looking down at your baby, your mind fuzzy from sleeplessness, suckling you, having complete adoration for the little creature. A mother's love.

How can I love a dead baby? I can't hold it. I can't feel it. I can't look at her lovingly with complete selflessness and admiration. No, I can't. But I did love her. I did. And I love her memory. I remember her dancing in my tummy, a smile on my face as I felt her. Yes. She was beautiful, her spirit was beautiful. But she is no more. She was here, but only a few know or remember. Almost two years is plenty of time for her memory and spirit to float far away. And I don't want to cling to her. I can't. She has to be free. But I will always remember her. She is to me like the memory of a soft breeze now. I remember how she felt until she drifted away into thin air.

Babies don't die. They just die sometimes. But maybe they didn't die because they never lived. I'll never know. I feel so far away. Sometimes it feels as if it didn't happen. Maybe it was a just a vision I had. A vision of being pregnant, of having hope and birthing a dead baby. Did it really happen? I have but little proof.

I can't fling myself into the future because I am still holding onto the past. I want to let the past go like a helium balloon. To float freely into the sky.

A bit.

I am feeling slightly more optimistic about the future today. This is the first day in a couple of weeks. I am hoping for a period of optimism. I know the sadness will return, but am hoping it'll give me a couple of weeks to sort through and feel human.

I swear I thought after almost two years this rollercoaster would have been over. But so far, I cannot figure out how to get off this damn ride.

Thank you for all your support. You gals are so caring and even though I hate that we are all part of the club, I am extremely grateful.

Was.

my baby girl died
almost two whole years ago
I miss her and me

Bucket List.

I'm putting together my Bucket List, you know, the things you want to do before you die.
This is what I have so far, in no particular order.
1. Learn how to sail
2. Learn how to fly a plane
3. Travel to Italy, Greece and Ireland
4. Take a cruise to somewhere exotic
5. See the Grand Canyon
6. Get a breast lift and mini tummy tuck (don't laugh at me)
7. Have another living breathing child

What's on yours?