Ramblings and Confessions...

Little G (the baby) was awake last night until 3:30. While lying in bed around 7, I started to daydream about little dresses. See, I have a confession to make. When we were expecting J we had a shower. Since she was a 'she' and A is a boy, people bought her little girl outfits. My confession is that I am a horrible returns person. Many of the styles I was gifted with I just didn't like, and since they had a return label from M.a.cys (who has an easy returns policy) basically all that could go back, did. And I picked out all the cute little girl stuff I wanted for J to my heart's content. There was one dress I splurged on..it was a little big (18 mos size) but I'd figure she'd be big enough to wear it the following Easter. It was blue and fluffy in a soft way; it didn't have scratchy nylon underneath to puff it up. I think I had a dress similar to it when I was little. When J died, I decided to take it all back (yet again). There was no way of knowing if/when we would be blessed with another child and if it would be a girl. But I hesitated to take back the blue dress. In the end Dh convinced me that it was silly to hang onto it, not knowing what the future held. I spent the returns card on A, since he was my living child.
While I was in my sleep deprived stupor, mindlessly thinking about how I HATE blue for boys and pink for girls and much prefer green for boys and purple/blue for girls, I thought about all the things I would probably never have. See, even though I am 'young' as they say and could have another if Dh changed his mind about having two, I don't think I could go through with it again. This pregnancy was so hard. I did everything I could every single day to stay sane. But the worry.....the constant worrying that your child could suddenly die inside of you without warning and in an instant was terrifying. I don't think I could do another pregnancy again. And while I didn't necessarily think of myself as 'brave' even though others said I was, I do now. So to all you loss Mamas who have had a subsequent pregnancy, or the courage to simply try again, you are all immensely brave-probably much more than you realize.

Grief's a bitch..

While I am so in love with this little one, and over the moon he is here, I keep thinking this should have been my life 2 years ago.
I'm starting to feel like an old pro at this baby stuff again....but still, I should have been doing this 2 years ago.
Did I really have a deadbaby daughter? Did she really exist?
If she did she is so far away from me now...
I am in disbelief that I had a deadbaby, but also in disbelief that I have a LIVE baby.
Maybe I'm just tired, or hormonal. But have I said lately how much I hate this grief shit? Can't I be done already?
oh no, I can't. ..it will always be there...the bleeding hole in my heart. Stupid thing about rainbows....they only happen when it has been raining.

My Little One..

We're home! Yay!
Little Man was born screaming Jan 21, 2010 at 8:38pm after an almost 12 hour induction
7lbs 12 oz, 19 inches long
I am so incredibly happy and relieved, but still worry about him constantly.

I have been thinking since last night (well, maybe crying) that why couldn't J have made it safely like this one has? Why? Why couldn't I have kept all of them? It's funny how you think this would relieve the grief, but instead, it stirs it right back up.
There is no way this is a 'replacement' baby. They are so different in my heart. I think the shrinks are all wrong about that label.
A mother's love is endless and complex enough to hold all her children separately. Thanks for all the well-wishes! You have all helped me get here.
I'll post the birth story at some point, but for right now, I'm going to try and catch up on some sleep.

Rainbow baby

My little sunshine is here safe and sound! We are both doing well and hope to be discharged today. More to come later.