So far the comments that not only sting, but have been forever imprinted (in chronological order)
1. Did they make you hold the baby?
2. What business do you have going to the gym already?
3. I thought you'd be better by now
4. Oh, you're young, you can have lots more
really dumb
yes, I keep score, sue me
missing_one
About Me
- missing_one
- west coast, United States
- I'm here because it seems to be helping. I am mother to a toddler and we lost our beautiful daughter on Mother's Day 2007 because of cord compression . Ironically, the day she died in the womb, May 12, was her "exact" due date(40 weeks). So many things like this I cannot explain. We welcomed our 'rainbow baby' Jan 2010! Email me: amendingheart at gmail dot com
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9 comments:
yes, and unfortunately they keep coming and some sting more than others. (((HUGS))) sorry you're having to hear some of the most insensitive things out there.
First off, I wanted to tell you how very sorry I am for the loss of your sweet baby girl Jessica. I lost a son to a cord accident at full term in January of 2003.
People just really have no clue. It doesn't make their comments any easier to deal with but most of the time they do mean well. The comments will keep coming, and some of them will absolutely blow you away. (I had someone tell me at least I didn't watch my son grow up for 16 years before he died just 2 days ago.) I am sorry you are dealing with people saying such hurtful things. (((hugs)))
Hi,
I am so sorry that you lost your beautiful daughter Jessica.
It is so unfortunate that people say terrible things on top of it all. For the most part I realized that they "meant well" but as time went on I found myself more and more able to speak up when people said stupid/hurtful things.
Two recent ones were: "I think it's nice that you named him" (which I just don't understand--who wouldn't name thier child?) and the other one was a woman who I know fairly well who was pretty thrown off when my response to her question about what I did for the one year anniversary was to go to the cemetary. She just couldn't fathom why we would bury our son, who never "really lived."
What really gets me is that both of these comments came from women who I know whe are generally supportive. The only explanation I can think of is that it is just ignorance. My response to them is to explain to them as clearly and simply as I can how misguided they are.
I agree with Julie that the comments will keep coming--as my examples show. My hope is that they will be few and far between and that you will find a way to deal with them that feels right to you.
basilbean-yeah, I've gotten pretty snarky about them.
Like when the women asked me if they "made" me hold the baby I said, "no, they didn't MAKE me, but I did"
Good for you for getting "snarky!" It's terrible though when you feel you need to defend an experience that should require no defense. It would have been so much better if that woman would have said, "Would you like to tell me about your time with your daughter?" Sigh... I realize that sort of openness is beyond most people though.
In reference to your previous post, I just wanted to mention that for the longest time Sundays were my "bad day." My twins were born and died on a Sunday, and even now it is the day that can still bring on the blues for me.
yup, people say really stupid things!
Comparing our loss of Zak with the loss of a dog was the best I have ever had thrown at me. Nice!
Unless someone has walked in your shoes there is a really big chance they just 'wont get it'!
Huge hugs
xxx
Just came across you blog today. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. Peace to you and your family.
And yes this is one of the worst things. People just have no clue and say the worst things.
I'm so sorry you have had to endure these completely insensitive comments. Not sure what is with people. 9 months into this...and I still get stupid and insensitive comments sometimes.
Remembering you and your sweet Jessica.
~Carole
I am so sorry for your loss... Although mine were different, the dumbass comments hurt just as much.
I think one of the worst comments actually came from my MIL, who lost twins at about 5 months around 1980. She can't understand why women WANT to hold their children when they are born still. She feels how women mourn losses today is "over the top." I would have given anything to hold my children, but that was just not possible. That comment from her - from someone who should understand - I think hurt the most.
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