...or indifference, really.
That is the lack of emotion I am feeling these days. I almost miss those intense emotions I had before. The sadness, the anger. Some days it is like waiting for the storm that keeps looming, yet never materializes.
Am I becoming indifferent to my own child? *Gulp* And I didn't do anything for October 15th. In fact, the day didn't seem very personal to me. Others have taken their grief and made it a passion for outreach. A passion..again indifference.
I had a baby. She died. She left. She left me here to take care of the rest who are still here. I can't bring myself to focus on the dead any longer. I'm exhausted. I cannot focus my energies on the dead, when there is so much to focus on the living.
I have been so tired the past few days. Part of it, I think is due to the hormonal rises that naturally come after one finally ovulates. But I can't help but feel like part of the exhaustion has something to do with something else. I think I am exhausted with grieving; but therefore have I exhausted my grief?
I have a feeling the flame has gone out, only to be reignited at future time and date.
...yet those memories are still easily accessible, but maybe now a little further below the surface.
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4 comments:
I totally understand your feelings about the lighting of the candles last week and it not feeling very personal to you. While my pregnancy did not progress any where near as long as yours did, I still lost my baby in May. I think about it all the time, but I don't seem to have any tears left. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
I couldn't relate to October 15th either, I think everyone has their own ways of remembering. I certainly think not only about Jacob but all the babies of all the women I've met blogging and I will continue to do so.
I'm glad things are getting a little better for you, even though it must still be hard. Crying all the time is exhausting and I think there comes a point when we must stop for a while until like you say it resurfaces.
*hugs*
What a perfect image - grieving is like waiting for a looming storm that never touches down.
There is no predictable pattern for grief, or even how you rise up from it. I do think there can come a day when you simply have to decide that you are ready not to have your grief dominate your life. But, that only works if you are really ready.
It ebbs and flows... comes and goes. As much as you can, try to just go where it takes you. If you feel tired from your grief, and feel able to turn your attention other places, then do that, and do it without guilt. I can promise you that you will never forget your daughter, and the love will always be there. The sadness will fade (although, it may never disappear completely)... and that is okay. Sadness is not a barometer for love.
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