A few weeks ago, a friend, who happens to be a Buddhist, said, "Everyone who comes into your life has a purpose"
Since, then, I have been stewing over this thought.
Ever since Jessica left us, I have been on a rocky relationship with my beliefs, alternating between believing I was just a statistic, and that there may have been a "reason". Neither one of these two thoughts seems to leave me with a fulfilling feeling.
But thinking about her coming into my life with a purpose, well, somehow that seems to ring true.
I will never take life for granted again. I will never take my loved ones for granted again. I will never take motherhood for granted again. I will never take being pregnant for granted again.
Things I will change next pregnancy (things I have control over)
-no caffeine at all
-as little sugar as possible
-eat even healthier than before
-enjoy the time rather than rushing to get to the end
I long to be pregnant again, and even more so I long to hold a baby in my arms and at my breast.
Am I finally reconciling her death? The word reconciliation now means something to me. Reconciliation....a peace...a truce with my grief. When I first read about this in the book (Empty Cra..B H) I didn't know what this chapter was about.
Maybe there wasn't a reason, but maybe there was a purpose.
I cherish those 9 months with her. If I never have another little girl, I at least had her, for a time however brief.
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3 comments:
Trying to negotiate truce with your grief...
What a perfect metaphor.
I'm trying to reach that point myself. I'm still struggling with it though. Many of my friends are buddhist and have a similar belief.
I'm not sure for me that I can ever accept a reason for this happening. I don't think I'll ever make sense of it, but I feel I can choose to learn a lesson from losing my son.
I feel the same way, not to rush to the end, to appreciate things that I have now and to make the most of any subsequent pregnancy I am lucky enough to have.
Still seems to be a cruel lesson in life to have to learn.
This post resonated with me. I try to reconcile what little religious beliefs I have and I always come up empty. I'll never have Jimmy back, but I can try to love all the time I had him. It's crazy that I have a beautiful newborn son now and I still have moments where I swear I'd give him away to have just a moment with Jimmy alive. But it's getting better. And no, I'm not really going to give my son away. But I still long for the one I lost.
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