So how does 1 year feel?
Sad...
Just sad.
The saddness returns. The grief returns.
The unexpected rushes of saddness and uncontrollable crying even returned (last Friday night)
Up....down.....up....down....down....
I am reminded of how this grieving stuff really sucks.
But...unlike before, I KNOW it will get better. And so I wait. I wait for the good days to come again. I wait for the peaceful days to come again.
It's just so unbelievable the passage of time....and yet still, I am here without her. Except now everyone expects you to be "over it" to a degree. It's a bit peculiar to them when you get teary eyed unexpectedly and need to find a quiet place to just cry uncontrollably. Or even yell...."My baby....my baby!!"
A year....
and soon two
and soon three...
time passes...it has to. It has to keep going.
And so do we.
But not too far away we can feel as if it were yesterday....
missing_one
About Me
- missing_one
- west coast, United States
- I'm here because it seems to be helping. I am mother to a toddler and we lost our beautiful daughter on Mother's Day 2007 because of cord compression . Ironically, the day she died in the womb, May 12, was her "exact" due date(40 weeks). So many things like this I cannot explain. We welcomed our 'rainbow baby' Jan 2010! Email me: amendingheart at gmail dot com
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8 comments:
A year is awful, no doubt about it. Actually, to me, the anniversary of the day after was worse: it meant an entire year ago I was exactly as I am now, without a baby.
And as I'm about to type over on my blog, DAMN you're good.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers....you are so right about people expecting or thinking you are "Over it" I am SO NOT OVER IT....it makes me mad...but "Other" people just don't get it and never will......
I'm so sorry. I keep hoping time will make things easier. These last few weeks leading up to Mother's Day, to the due date, I felt that pain in my chest I haven't felt since we first lost our boys. That horrible knife in the chest pain I hoped to forget.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I asked a friend of mine who lost her baby six years ago, how long it took for her to feel normal again. She paused and said "five years, no, I guess never".
It will always be with us.
I think antigone is right. Never, such a long time though.
I do think you've hit the nail on the head with what the actual difference is with time. With time you get to know that it will get better once you get past this particular wave. It'll get better until the next wave hits, but for a while it will be better.
Wow now I've depressed myself with the ad infinitum of that last statement.
I just found your blog and just wanted to say I'm sorry. You are really brave to know that the good days will come again. When I'm at my worst I lose sight of that. Yes, people do think that you should be 'over it' but that's because they don't have a clue. Sending you my love,
Alice
Sometimes it just feels so far away, as though it happened to someone else. And then a memory emerges and I'm right back there, in the hospital, screaming my lungs out. And the tears return. It's awful and I wish so much of this didn't have to be.
1 year just seems so far removed yet, I don't think 30 years will be...
Thank you for sharing your experience with the 1 year mark. Calypso's 1 year angel day is coming up and ?i admit I'm already pretty far into the pit
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