It's my day off and I'm here taking care of my sick kid. A year-and-a-half ago I would have been miserable. But today, it's nice to feel needed.
In fact, I've been content all day.
I hate that I'm a better mother because my baby died.
missing_one
About Me
- missing_one
- west coast, United States
- I'm here because it seems to be helping. I am mother to a toddler and we lost our beautiful daughter on Mother's Day 2007 because of cord compression . Ironically, the day she died in the womb, May 12, was her "exact" due date(40 weeks). So many things like this I cannot explain. We welcomed our 'rainbow baby' Jan 2010! Email me: amendingheart at gmail dot com
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6 comments:
I had the same thought this weekend raking leaves. We went out, our neighbor's kid was out, so we asked her over to play with Bella so the two of us could rake. Everything got done very quickly. No way would it have otherwise. And thinking like that really sucks.
I hear you. If fact, when I am acting like a typical, overworked, rushed, the laundry isn't done and dinner isn't in the oven 21st centuary mother - and on of my kids looks at me like, "Come on...don't I get a little of you?", it is like slap in the face. A reminder of all that we went through and all that I promised IF I could just have a healthy, living baby.
The guilt lives on...just as the grief keeps giving.
most of the time i hate that having a dead baby made me a less patient mother, a less involved mother. then, when i feel more connected to my alive children because another died, i hate that too. i hate everything about it.
I absolutely understand this. I know I'm a better mother. Even when I was mired in the awful, intense grief and not a very good mother I knew I was still a better mother than before. And I think this goes a lot with what I wrote in Callum's anniversary post about being a DB Wonder Woman. The death of our babies forced us to be things we wouldn't otherwise be, forced us to see things we wouldn't otherwise see. It's bittersweet. And I can't help but hate it today.
Hope your first baby feels better soon. XO.
It's no longer a simple day home with a sick kid, is it?
While I don't yet know what kind of mother I will be, I'm sure that I will be a better mother because of Grace. And that sucks.
Hoping your little one feels better and that you are able to find some peace.
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