I just can't conjure up a post in my head. There has not been many thoughts in or out. It is like my mind is at a standstill. Waiting for something to happen, good or bad. Waiting to see whether I should throw hope into this year or just bide my time.
I'm at a standstill.
It's not a completely horrible place to be in. I am going about my days doing things. Just plugging along. But emotionally, I just can't. You know? I just can't either way.
So I'm counting the moments I have with the ones I love and making them count. If this is it, I think I can be content. Maybe that's what I'm on the verge of. Maybe after you are broken, and despaired, and no longer really have enough emotion to conjure up desire, maybe that is where contentment lies.
Contentment with my family, friends, job. Not wanting more. Appreciating not having less.
Is that it? Is that what "being content" means?
About 9 months ago I had lunch with my friend who had one living daughter and several failed IVF cycles, and several miscarriages in the 1st and 2nd trimesters. She spoke to me about how happy she is that she has her daughter- that she would be content with just her. I didn't understand how she could not want more, but now I think I do.
Maybe we get to a point where we cannot 'want' anymore. Maybe we accept that this may be it and then we can find contentment.
I don't really know. But I do know I haven't much hope nor despair or wanting.
And so I wait...what will 2009 bring? I can't even speculate.
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9 comments:
when the past is a glaring spot of despair and the future will not bend to your will, what else is there to strive for...lest you go seriously fucking mad?? i feel like the knowledge of knowing nothing is making me feel older, like i'm getting to the point all those cliche sayings are talking about re: wisdom...except i don't feel wise, just stupid.
hey, the present is our present, right??
Well Charmed Girl said it all (and best) but just know I'm thinking of You!
I sometimes feel I'm coming to some place of acceptance, and then I run away like a spoiled child, fingers firmly planted in my ears, singing "I can't hear you. I can't hear you."
I feel patches of contentedness, but they are always shaded by the sadness I feel that C is not here. And maybe that is the best I can hope for? Who knows.
XO.
It's okay that you want something different than your friend. We are all different - and our thresholds and sorrows and desires also vary. And it's okay not to know what you want or feel right yet. It's all a journey.
I feel content every now and then too. But it seems it is still a fleeting feeling.
Hopefully, it will become a more permanent feeling in all of our lives. It would be nice to not always feel so, well, desperate, no?
Just to clarify, I meant that I feel desperate most of the time- not that you are desperate!
I feel content enough but with the underlying OMG NO BABY yet current that is ALWAYS there.
Much love hun xoxo
The thing that really pisses me off is that in May of '06, I was content. I was just fucking fine, thank you very much, until I made some wacky decision to have another child.
That kills me. That I have exactly what I had then, and yet I feel like I'm missing something.
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