I've only just started this 'break' and my heart is aching once again for a baby- a live squirming wiggling cooing baby. I think it is easy when you are on the TTC train to just keep to the schedule with the goal in mind, not really thinking about it in a fanciful way. I don't know. Maybe this is good. Maybe it is good to think about wanting a baby without actively trying to get one. But I do want one. A soft cuddly girl or boy in a soft cuddly little outfit with little booties they like to kick off. I even want the sleep deprivation and looking down at your baby, your mind fuzzy from sleeplessness, suckling you, having complete adoration for the little creature. A mother's love.
How can I love a dead baby? I can't hold it. I can't feel it. I can't look at her lovingly with complete selflessness and admiration. No, I can't. But I did love her. I did. And I love her memory. I remember her dancing in my tummy, a smile on my face as I felt her. Yes. She was beautiful, her spirit was beautiful. But she is no more. She was here, but only a few know or remember. Almost two years is plenty of time for her memory and spirit to float far away. And I don't want to cling to her. I can't. She has to be free. But I will always remember her. She is to me like the memory of a soft breeze now. I remember how she felt until she drifted away into thin air.
Babies don't die. They just die sometimes. But maybe they didn't die because they never lived. I'll never know. I feel so far away. Sometimes it feels as if it didn't happen. Maybe it was a just a vision I had. A vision of being pregnant, of having hope and birthing a dead baby. Did it really happen? I have but little proof.
I can't fling myself into the future because I am still holding onto the past. I want to let the past go like a helium balloon. To float freely into the sky.
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8 comments:
I was just talking to a DB mom and I sometimes feel like I'm making all this up. It's just so surreal and I tryto convince myself that it didn't really happen. Why am I so sad? Did this really happen? I didn't even know them, why am I lingering on this?
But the heart knows.
And this is just my opinion, and my opinion alone, so please don't take offense. But I think family and friends and strangers like to belittle our (my) losses because if they believe that they didn't die because they never lived, then they don't have to feel anything for them. And to me that dismisses their life. They were real. Does that make sense?
Somtimes the past is what gives us the strength to face the future.
i think the love for a dead baby is the most selfless love there is...cause we really get shit in return, don't we? it's a one way street, with traffic and police blocks and animals roaming in-between the cars.
maybe they didn't die bacuse they never really lived...i think about that too. and sometimes i also feel like it never happened, and sometimes i think i foster that feeling. then i feel bad, guilty, that i'm not trying to hold on to her. i'm just so tired.
I have also been feeling very conflicted during the break we are taking.
You don't have to let the past go, you just find ways to make it easier to live with. It takes a lot of time, to be sure. I have just found that for me, it never goes away...it happened...I can't undo it and fighting to let it go took too much energy. Does that make sense?
Me too.
I like the idea of thinking/wanting without the added pressure of trying to realize it. That to me would be floating.
I understand everything you wrote...every conflicting feeling and how so often they occupy the heart and mind all at once. Yes, she has to be free...she is free...and clinging isn't good for you. But please be gentle with yourself if, sometimes, the pain is still so strong that it feels like you haven't made any "progress." You have. And you will continue to heal. For me, it is when I resist against what I am feeling that it becomes stronger and has more power over me. If, on the other hand, I just allow myself to be sad (or whatever) then it finds its natural course and often I come out on the other side actually feeling better.
Greiving a dead baby is, as far as I can tell, like nothing else. All of those thoughts/feelings of it never happening...ugh, they are so difficult to sort through. I agree that it is in large part because they were really only alive to us. But they were alive. And their lives mattered.
The live and they love, even if it is only in our wombs. And, although they arent physically here with us, they are still here.
I dont think I could survive without feeling them here with me.
I can't begin to think how NOT to love a deadbaby. It's all I have left of him, the love that is. Sometimes it feels like it's all I ever had of him.
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