The Buildup..

I am hoping that, like last year, this year the build-up will be worse than the actual days. But I am realizing that because of all the hype about Mother's Day I think my Mother's Day will always be the saddest. Because while little children and their daddies were rushing around buying presents, cards and thinking of little ways to honor their mother, my daughter died inside me. And as they presented their little treasures to their honored one, I held my dead baby in my arms.

I will always feel sad, but this year it has been hard to have a full-out cry. I am in desperate need of a full-out cry but have only teared-up thus far. It is almost like being nauseous and needing to throw up because you know you will feel better once you do, but not being able to. Okay, maybe that wasn't the best analogy. Is sneezing any better?

I was thinking in the car this morning on my way to work, that there is so much loss, tragedy, pain and suffering in the world. It was then that I came to the conclusion, for the first time with certain absolution, that there has to be some sort of heaven. Maybe it's not with people flying around forever, maybe it is something simpler, maybe being reincarnated as a ladybug or a redwood tree, who knows. But I know there must be something else besides being human and living this life. I know this because I have felt glimpses of appreciation and joy. Mere fleeting glimpses. The feeling of a perfect day or a perfect moment. And I know they are not meant to last. But why the hell would we have these glimpses that we wouldn't have had without our suffering if there was not something else? Like dangling a carrot. Imagine a life without suffering. We wouldn't appreciate it unless we had already suffered.

So that's how my dead baby led me to believe in heaven.