We went to a little girl's birthday party of some close friends. The place was covered with fairy and princess stuff. She was given Barbies and fairies and a tutu. And I teared up.
See, I've figured out that it isn't about this baby at all. I am excited about this baby. I love this baby and am excited to have another son. And it really wasn't ever about replacing Jessica either. But...
Yes, BUT I am having to mourn my what-would-have-beens all over again. And now they have turned into what-probably-never-will-bes. Sure, I'm young and could probably technically have another shot, BUT Dh and I have only ever talked about having two. And now I am having our third, but, you know how that story goes.
So in all reality, I may never have that whole mother/daughter thing: the princesses and pinks and purples, the horses, the clothes and dresses, the drama, the prom dress, the wedding dress, the baby shower.... the list goes on and on, as you can imagine. Now yes, I realize, that gender isn't everything and I might have had a lesbian tomboy and would love her all the same. Again, this was the dream I had in my head. This was the dream of the future I had with Jessica and apparently held some of it wrapped up with the hope I have with this pregnancy.
And so I cried. I mourned. I looked at this little girly-girl with her disgustingly cliche girl-birthday party things and teared up knowing the high probability that I would never experience that.
Last night while crying myself to sleep I made a decision. I HAVE to get over this stupid dream. I HAVE TO. I can't let it affect the way I look at this little blessing or how I raise him. In order for me to be the best mother I know I can be, I have to let my own stupid fantasies go. I figure I have 5 months to figure it out. I hope I can do it by then.
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8 comments:
I have had the same dream. Not sure if we will try again. But even if we do, my gut tells me it will be a boy. I just KNOW that Hannah was my only girl and that I have to let the dream go. (And it has nothing to do with not wanting Denis- he is my light) But letting go is easier said than done. Hugs.
Keeping you in my prayers! Glad you were able to have a good cry..I know whenever I do I feel better in a way, but then not so much because my head is usually pounding afterward..
I don't think what you are talking about is a "Stupid Dream" it was your reality at the time and it is hard to let it go...I know you will love and cherish every moment with this sweet baby boy.
And yes, letting go is easier said then done....I myself, am not so good at it. Sigh.
Missing the 'dream', the girl, and loving the boy, don't have to be mutually exclusive, you know? You will love and cherish this new little life ( and who knows maybe he will like pink and purple and fairies:)) but you can still miss both Jessica and the mother/daughter relationship you had hoped to have one day. But yes, I can also see the need to let go...
sighs.
xxoo
I hear ya. At some point those "dreams" aren't -- they're what we've come to internalize before it's rudely ripped away. And it's really effin' tough to switch gears. I hope it's like what Kal says -- that they're not mutually exclusive, and that you find some surprising and wonderful things about boys that you come to cherish and realize you couldn't live without.
I hope you can let go when you need to, and that there will be a lot of peace in that, but be gentle with yourself, and give yourself the gift of a little time. It's clear you love and will love this new little one fiercely, even if you need to mourn a little for the dreams.
listen, you've been pregnant for a whole lotta months with yet a baby at home to show for it. during the first nine months of pregnancy, you dreamed up all these things you wanted to do and have and be...and these next nine months you have to think of a totally new scenario. different age, different age difference between children, different gender, different MOM. i think it would be impossible for you to NOT to relate being pregnant with the dreams you had being pregnant with jessica. she was born, you held her, your flesh is pregnant again...it's like physical memory. when this boy is born, you will hold him and see him and dream a whole new dream. and you will still want jessica.
you have 5 months, but maybe don't stress over switching gears. feel what you need to feel about jessica and see what you feel about this baby. it will work itself out in its own time.
(in the meantime, though...it must really suck ass. UGH.)
I know, I know.
Can a MIL spoil a DIL? Maybe you will just have to wait..... It's not the same, but something different to look forward to.
Ah, yes. There's something in me that says that this new little one is going to be a boy. Which I am *thrilled* with (since our "oldest" twin was a boy, it seems right). But part of me is terrified of the - what then? What if we never have another girl? I would mourn that, for sure.
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