Oops, wrong button.

So, I was wrong afterall. It's a boy.
I hate when you get a non-talky ultrasound tech who spend the half hour looking at your baby in silence. As he kept getting more and more images of the heart, I started to get concerned. Finally I made a joke, "Geez, you guys sure take more pictures of the heart nowadays" (nervous laugh). He replied, "Not everyone, just me". He went on to say how much he loves the heart and how he used to do echocardiograms and how he feels the heart is the most important. Finally he was talking. He asked if we wanted to 'know', we said yes.
At the end, he said everything looks good and we were to wait for the doc. The doc asked what number baby this was for us. Earlier that morning, when I arrived, the tech asked me what pregnancy this was and I immediately said three, no blinking. But with the word 'baby' my brain did a double take. "Two, no three". I looked at Dh. He said "Three." The doc laughed. "what, you don't know?". I then explained. He asked how she died so he would know if he needed to be looking for certain abnormalities. "Nope. She was perfect. She got the cord wrapped around her ankle and as she was decending, it pulled tight and cut off oxygen. Just the damn cord"(nervous laugh).

He gave the baby another look over. Everything perfectly healthy, perfectly formed. I don't know if I was crying because of the explanation, or because I was relieved everything was good, or because I was so wrong about the gender. I teared up, but waited to have my good cry until I got into the car.

After trying to process my emotions, I came to the conclusion that I was so hoping it was a girl. Not for the normal reasons one might hope for one gender or another, but because of Jessica. After searching the corners of my soul, I knew I was crying because somewhere hidden inside, I thought that by having a girl, it would replace her..could replace her. And even though my logical side knows this is nonsense, I'd be lying to myself if I denied this. As if by having a live baby girl, I could do all the girl things with her that I couldn't with Jessica. I could almost see myself replacing a framed picture on my deadbaby shelf, and swapping it with a live one.
How horrifying.

But she is saved of course. She is still on her perpetual pedestal, sitting upon the shelf. My girl memories will only be of her and the what-could-have-beens, not to be replaced by newer happier mother/daughter moments.

How silly it is. I want a baby. I am happy for this baby. I have hoped for a baby so much it hurt. Now he can be his own person, more so because of his gender, he will not be living in her shadow.