Easter Sadness..

Although it was a day filled with fun stuff for the kids and family gatherings, today was sad.
I started thinking about G's birth and my labor. I can remember the hours and how it happened; the events leading up to and the events in between. Then my thoughts wandered to Jessica's birth and labor. And I don't remember. I remember when they hooked me up and gave me the dry line for the epidural and I remember holding her lifeless body in my arms. But it bothers me I can't remember the rest. Maybe it was the half dose of Am.bien they gave me that I ended up tripping out on. Maybe it was the shock. But all those hours between the start and the finish are gone....wasted time. I know there was at least six hours in between those two events, I just wish I could remember them. Today I was also down that my MIL has cancer and just started chemo. I hate that she has to go through this. I hate that they try to pretend things are normal when they are not. I hate that I can read the fear on their faces. My MIL is the sweetest lady, always putting others before herself and I just wish she didn't have to do this--go through this. The tension and fear in the air made me cry- not because I was afraid she'd die, but just for her having to go through this awful thing...
On the positive side..
G is getting so big and I love him so much. I love the smell of the top of baby fuzz on his head. I love his smile. I love his giggle. And in those moments, it makes the grief so much more bearable. While filling the kids' Easter baskets, playing mother of two boys, I almost believed for a moment that that was who I was- a mother of two. It scares me how real this feels. I finally have the family I had wanted. And it kills me a little that their giggles and hugs make me forget for those moments that I am a mother of three. But I am happy---over the moon-honest to god-happy.
It's not all roses or sunshine or rainbows. I know that it's hard and not easy or effortless. But if losing a daughter has taught me one thing, of many, it is that being a mother is hard. Once you have a child in your womb, you are forever changed. You forever make sacrifices. Having two that I can hug and squeeze in person makes it completely worthwhile to where you forget the work that tirelessly loving can be. Being a mother is exhausting in so many ways, but having my living sons turns me into a puddle of grateful goo. They have to take in the extra love I had for J. Because her love is still so real it has to materialize. I just hope my boys can soak it all up for her.