Okay, a little late...

So Disneyland was ok. I did ok, especially the first day. The second day, I just got tired of the crowds, and the greed, and the materialism, and the fake snow, fake happiness, getting bumped into, run over, and surrounded by happy smiley people with kids and babies. Yes, babies. Why you would take your one or two month old to Disneyland is beyond me. I was not expecting that.
It was great seeing my son's face though. His favorite rides were the "scary" ones like the Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Carribean. Who knew? Towards the end he started acting like all the other spoiled brats, so I am glad we left.
I tried my best not to eat too much, but truth be told, they only sell crap there. And finding something vegetarian, well, that was challenge as well.
Somehow, eating crap, I managed to lose a pound, keeping me on track with my weight loss.

All week I have been in catch-up mode (since we came back monday) and went back to work the next day. We have one more week until Winter break. It cannot come soon enough.

My holiday cards are sent. There are some people who I opted not to send cards to this year due to events that occured. Such as some people acting weird or absent when we needed them the most, or some who I invited to my shower and didn't come, and still don't know....I just don't feel like putting that in a holiday card. (they are photo cards so it would be immediately apparent the bun that was baking in the oven is missing)
Have I mentioned how sick I am of the holidays already? It's not that I am super sad this year, it is that I don't like the premise of the holidays. Buy. Greed. Stress. Glutiny.
Oh, and has anyone noticed that EVERYONE is PREGNANT right now? IRL as well as celebrities and online friends.......
I am counting down the days until 2008.

As per my last post, it was all a dream. I think it came from finding out my high school friend's mom just died (she was 52) from heart recovery complications and somehow I got to thinking about how this guy I dated back then told me of his baby sister that died when he was five. I've been dreaming a lot since we got back. The rapping on the door part I am fairly certain was NOT a dream. My initial thought that it was Jessica, telling me not to be late for work....but I don't know what's real or not anymore sometimes

Cards are sent out. Gifts are all purchased. Now I just have to wait.....like preparing for the storm, right?

A Dream?

Sitting in the living room of an old high school friend's parent's house.
It seemed strange being there with him, his wife, and his mother.
The conversation was awkward. His mother asked,
"How's your baby?"
"What baby?"
"The new one"
"oh, she died"
"I'm so sorry"
After a few moments I left.
As I turned from the house, into the cool breezy air his mother caught up with me
"Wait. How are you? Have you sought help?"
"No"
As she points to something behind me, I turn to look. The air is a dark blanket around me.
I look to where her fingers lead. There is a little tombstone that reads "Baby Girl"
I feel drawn to this woman. I knew her for years, but never had anything in common with her before.
I awoke to a gentle rapping at my door, several times. It was six o'clock and everyone (me, DH and my son) were still sleeping. I should have been up 15 minutes ago.
How much of it was a dream?

Back from Disneyland. I survived. I'll post something tomorrow about it, hopefully

Disneyland...

Off to Disneyland for a few days.
Either the "happiest place on earth" will rub off on me, or I'll throw up.
What do you think?

Change..

The cold crisp days from the past few weeks are changing. It is getting warmer, windier and the clouds are moving in.

Where once I embraced change, now I resist it.
I catch myself planning to do things next week, next month, and next year, only to realize that I cannot really bank on anything the future may or may not hold. This is unsettling.

So what do I try and do? I try and embrace the little moments. Picking my son up at school and spending an hour at the park before naptime. Playing with him. Embarking on his adventures. Playing with sticks and drawing circles in the sand warmed by the winter sun.

I try and spend time reflecting on my job. I feel like I have a job that makes a difference and I am doing something worthwhile. Where once I focused on achievement and striving for the top of the ladder, I am taking the little moments each day to be present. I take comfort in the cause, not necessarily the outcome.

I no longer try and censor everything I say and worry what others think. There are cruel people in the world, and only time will try and change them. They have their own trials and tribulations ahead of them. They will not go through life without loss of some kind. The road ahead of them is full of heartache and saddess, but they have yet to see that end of it. But they will...they will...

They do not see time is precious. Time is a gift. Every moment of the day is one that was given to us.

They don't see. They waste time being hateful. They waste time spending money and griping, shouting obscenities out car windows, cheating, and hurting one another. They do not see. One day they will. One day they will.

I have seen it. Life is a gift. We do not have a right to life, but we are indeed given life. In an instant, it can be taken away. We don't have time. If we don't cherish life, we waste it. ...cherish it.

I had this ornament made from Jessica's footprint. They did a beautiful job. We are giving one to each set of parents as well has DH's grandmother. It will be nice that her memory will be there with us this holiday season. I ordered it from this site and got them in less then a week. They were very helpful over the phone.