Today I am throwing out all my other goals.....ALL
The one goal I am replacing it is with trying to stay positive...all day, every day.
I want to surround myself with positive thoughts, positive energy and all that.
I don't know what's around the bend. It could be great, or it could be stormy. But right now, I am floating down the river, enjoying the sun on my back and the cool water at my feet.
If you'd like to send me any positive thoughts/vibes/prayers/energy, anything, I would be much appreciative.
There is no point in freaking out over things that are so obviously not in my control, so I might as well think positively.
In other weird fertility news, I thought I was getting my period (CD 29) and just spotting of pink/brown/red this weekend. Now today it is gone. The other weird thing was that I don't think I ovulated, but then last wed/thur, the OPK was finally showing a surge. I think my body is all confused. I also tried to move the colp.osco.py up to the end of this month in an attempt to meet this head on (whatever it may be) and move on.
Please send me positive thoughts. I don't know what I would do without all of you here in blogland. Only one other person IRL (Dh, of course) knows about this scary sentive stuff. I am so grateful to have found you all.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
Scared....
I am really scared. My doctor just called about the pap smear she did on me last month....too many abnormal cells categorizing it as "cervic.al dys.plasia" in the precan.cerous condition...which means I have to now undergo a colp.oscopy.
The procedure is horrifying to me.
What's even more horrifying is that if they don't catch this in time, and it does end up devloping into cancer, I'll have to have a hy.sterecto.my.
Maybe I don't have as much time as I thought to have kids.......
What else do you want to throw at me?
(tears...)
(edited to add in 2004 when I found out I was pregnant with my son, I had a slighty abnormal pap and I think they said I had H.PV at that time. Subsequent paps have all come back normal...)
The procedure is horrifying to me.
What's even more horrifying is that if they don't catch this in time, and it does end up devloping into cancer, I'll have to have a hy.sterecto.my.
Maybe I don't have as much time as I thought to have kids.......
What else do you want to throw at me?
(tears...)
(edited to add in 2004 when I found out I was pregnant with my son, I had a slighty abnormal pap and I think they said I had H.PV at that time. Subsequent paps have all come back normal...)
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Simpler Life....?
Apples, grapes, milk, cheese, meat, blueberries...I looked over the contents of my trunk, evidence of the morning's procurement of the weekly groceries. I was satisfied; simple ingredients to make all of the meals for my family for the week.
Many of my friends are always in wonderment that I could formulate entire meals from just these simple pure ingredients. What were missing were the crackers, overly-processed breads, frozen dinners, and all the other 'necessities' that adorn the shelves of our friends and family. There was a certain sense of pride from making such lavish dinners from scratch, from only a finite set of pure ingredients.
And so I got to thinking. Maybe simpler is what I should be doing. Maybe it is time to clean out the clutter in my life; the messy relationships, the complicated planning, the need to buy things... Maybe I just need to live in the moment, with what I have, enjoying the here and the now, being consciously present. Maybe I should start more from scratch.
This video that I happened on earlier this morning also was inspiring:
There is beauty in the simple. In fact, maybe there is even joy in it.
Many of my friends are always in wonderment that I could formulate entire meals from just these simple pure ingredients. What were missing were the crackers, overly-processed breads, frozen dinners, and all the other 'necessities' that adorn the shelves of our friends and family. There was a certain sense of pride from making such lavish dinners from scratch, from only a finite set of pure ingredients.
And so I got to thinking. Maybe simpler is what I should be doing. Maybe it is time to clean out the clutter in my life; the messy relationships, the complicated planning, the need to buy things... Maybe I just need to live in the moment, with what I have, enjoying the here and the now, being consciously present. Maybe I should start more from scratch.
This video that I happened on earlier this morning also was inspiring:
There is beauty in the simple. In fact, maybe there is even joy in it.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Trying....
Today I am trying...
I am trying to start my diet again (low carbs, around 1500 cal), trying to start to clean the house (hasn't been done in weeks..), trying to get into my workout routine (I've been doing 5 days the past two weeks so that's good), trying not to go too crazy because Dh is out of town and (A won't stop chattering away at me constantly, nor did he take a nap), trying to give up my nightly 'night cap' of something (although today I have switched to red wine, isn't that better?), trying not to dwell on the stupidity of family that have announced when they have just gotten a BFP(and thinking to myself, "gee, I hope that all works out for them"), trying not to think too much about the odd visit I just had with my mother, trying to ignore then not so subtle babymaking pressure brought on by my MIL now every time I see her, trying not to obsess about figuring out where I am in my cycle (I have POAS since CD 8 and still not gotten a dark line, now CD 24), and overall trying not to plan too much for the future.
I just keep trying to live, trying to be in the moment, trying to remind myself that every moment should be appreciated.
And so with my laundry half done, half folded, the junk mail half gone through, my daily calorie goal almost obtained (1660 kcal), A in bed, I feel somewhat satisfied.
I just hope maybe tomorrow I'll feel motivated to try just a little harder.
All we can do is try. All we can do is hope that tomorrow maybe we'll get there.
I am trying to start my diet again (low carbs, around 1500 cal), trying to start to clean the house (hasn't been done in weeks..), trying to get into my workout routine (I've been doing 5 days the past two weeks so that's good), trying not to go too crazy because Dh is out of town and (A won't stop chattering away at me constantly, nor did he take a nap), trying to give up my nightly 'night cap' of something (although today I have switched to red wine, isn't that better?), trying not to dwell on the stupidity of family that have announced when they have just gotten a BFP(and thinking to myself, "gee, I hope that all works out for them"), trying not to think too much about the odd visit I just had with my mother, trying to ignore then not so subtle babymaking pressure brought on by my MIL now every time I see her, trying not to obsess about figuring out where I am in my cycle (I have POAS since CD 8 and still not gotten a dark line, now CD 24), and overall trying not to plan too much for the future.
I just keep trying to live, trying to be in the moment, trying to remind myself that every moment should be appreciated.
And so with my laundry half done, half folded, the junk mail half gone through, my daily calorie goal almost obtained (1660 kcal), A in bed, I feel somewhat satisfied.
I just hope maybe tomorrow I'll feel motivated to try just a little harder.
All we can do is try. All we can do is hope that tomorrow maybe we'll get there.
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