I have a post I've been working on in my head, but now, I need to declutter.
Things to feel bad about:
-having weird brown spotting for 3 days now....I guess the good news is it started on day 30 and not 45 like last month
-"Friend" with two toddlers who announced to me about a month ago that they were "trying " for their third...just told me today she is pregnant. My knee jerk reaction was to say "Congrats" ..then look away
-I'm sick.
-I am apprehensive about the holidays and want to escape to some tropical island
-I bit my nails off today
-Being sick makes me eat Carbs and I feel like a fat cow.
-My house is a mess
-In my head I wanted to tell a student what a "f-*king, lazy, disrespectful jerk" he was...but didn't of course
Is this my life now? Having very few things to feel happy about and the rest having some annoying undercurrent of crapiness?
Friday, November 14, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Day Off...
It's my day off and I'm here taking care of my sick kid. A year-and-a-half ago I would have been miserable. But today, it's nice to feel needed.
In fact, I've been content all day.
I hate that I'm a better mother because my baby died.
In fact, I've been content all day.
I hate that I'm a better mother because my baby died.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Getting back to my roots...
...well, root vegetables anyways. I've almost gone two days without meat. Yay! I'm trying the fertility diet which reduces carbohydrates (which I already was doing), increases vegetables (which I was already doing) and limit animal products.
I have also miraculously switched from coffee to tea. Go me! I am also exercising consistently still at about 4 days per week for 40-50 min.
I'm trying to ignore the fact that it is CD24 and I haven't ovulated yet (last month was CD 31). But, since I am consistently ovulating late, is there something that could be wrong? I have had irregular periods my whole life-not too irregular, but mostly just longer than average cycles, like now.
I think I am doing everything right. I am eating healthy, exercising, taking vitamin and herbal supplements, and sleeping(7-8 hours at night and usually an hour nap during the day). So what is the deal?
I want to be pregnant so I don't have that sickening feeling of envy that comes when I see a preggo or newborn. And yes, it will go away when I get pg (see, me being optimistic about the "when"). The only reason I was able to withstand my SIL's baby shower this summer was because I was pregnant too(even though no one knew). So I know it goes away.
Originally, we were going to avoid people this holiday season, but then Dh came up with the brilliant idea to mess with them. If they ask when they're going to get another grandkid or greatgrandkid etc., say, "no, we're done." or "one's enough" or "we don't think it's economically responsible to have another in these trying times"... and then watch their jaws fall to the ground. Muwahaha. This I think I could do. Maybe then they will stop asking me and expecting me to be a breeding machine for their genetic information. We shall see.
How about you? How are you planning to deal with the holidays?
I have also miraculously switched from coffee to tea. Go me! I am also exercising consistently still at about 4 days per week for 40-50 min.
I'm trying to ignore the fact that it is CD24 and I haven't ovulated yet (last month was CD 31). But, since I am consistently ovulating late, is there something that could be wrong? I have had irregular periods my whole life-not too irregular, but mostly just longer than average cycles, like now.
I think I am doing everything right. I am eating healthy, exercising, taking vitamin and herbal supplements, and sleeping(7-8 hours at night and usually an hour nap during the day). So what is the deal?
I want to be pregnant so I don't have that sickening feeling of envy that comes when I see a preggo or newborn. And yes, it will go away when I get pg (see, me being optimistic about the "when"). The only reason I was able to withstand my SIL's baby shower this summer was because I was pregnant too(even though no one knew). So I know it goes away.
Originally, we were going to avoid people this holiday season, but then Dh came up with the brilliant idea to mess with them. If they ask when they're going to get another grandkid or greatgrandkid etc., say, "no, we're done." or "one's enough" or "we don't think it's economically responsible to have another in these trying times"... and then watch their jaws fall to the ground. Muwahaha. This I think I could do. Maybe then they will stop asking me and expecting me to be a breeding machine for their genetic information. We shall see.
How about you? How are you planning to deal with the holidays?
Monday, November 3, 2008
Another Reminder....
Displayed in the breezeway at my son's school, some of the older kids have assembled their own altars for Dia De Muertos, the Hispanic holiday celebrating the return of spirits of loved ones. They were colorful with candied skulls and candles and pictures of loved ones who were no longer with us. My eye was drawn to the picture of the one with the smiling baby that was maybe a month or two old.
Someone in the school had lost a baby brother or sister. Some family had to say goodbye to their baby too, proving that db moms are all around us. There weren't any names on the altar so I don't know whose it was. But it was there. I envy the month or two they had shared with their little one, but still, I was sad they had to say goodbye.
I'm sure others who see the altar will wonder what happened, or how they could prevent such a tragedy themselves, or how long ago it was; but all I thought was I wonder who it is and how they are coping. We don't ask all the 'how' questions because we know it matters little how it happens, because it just happens. Babies die all the time, and we still haven't figured out how to stop that. And we seldom ask "how long ago" because we know that our love and our loss are eternal. We will forever long for our babies.
Someone in the school had lost a baby brother or sister. Some family had to say goodbye to their baby too, proving that db moms are all around us. There weren't any names on the altar so I don't know whose it was. But it was there. I envy the month or two they had shared with their little one, but still, I was sad they had to say goodbye.
I'm sure others who see the altar will wonder what happened, or how they could prevent such a tragedy themselves, or how long ago it was; but all I thought was I wonder who it is and how they are coping. We don't ask all the 'how' questions because we know it matters little how it happens, because it just happens. Babies die all the time, and we still haven't figured out how to stop that. And we seldom ask "how long ago" because we know that our love and our loss are eternal. We will forever long for our babies.
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