Tugging at the Stitches..

I woke my son up this morning and after we said our 'good mornings', he looked at me full of the wide-eyed innocence that only a four year old has and said, "Mommy", you're going to have a baby!" and smiled. He went on to ask "how big is it now?"and "when will it get here?"

For the rest of the population, I have been inserting my "maybes" and "hopefullys" at the end of my answers to questions like that. Like it was my own injected disclaimer. But I just couldn't do that to him.

It will break his little heart if this baby does not make it. The thought of his little heart makes me shatter inside a little. He was too young to remember my pregnancy with Jessica. But I let him believe because I too, want so much to believe.
And so my burden to bear will be the pulling of the tiny stitches of my heart, so that he may, at least for now, remain so innocently optimistic. He can be optimistic for the both of us.

Freaking out...

I want this so bad I am slightly freaking out.

I want to nest, make the baby's room, get the baby stuff, have the baby shower.

I want to hold him/her in my arms in those soft cuddly flannel blankets, all wrapped up and warm.

Oh fuck, how I want this so bad.

I am so happy it is scaring me. I've tried not to climb to that precipice of hope, but damnit, I'm there. Now I either jump or fall.

And now I am crying because I'm scared. Despite my cautious efforts to guard my heart I have fully embraced the joy that I am pregnant. How can this end in happiness?
In the back of my mind, I still see myself falling.

I don't want to fall....

I know I love this baby unconditionally already. I've tried not to get too attached and now here I am.

I now have everything to lose..again.

Please send good vibes for a healthy sonogram on Friday. I hope everything's alright. How can I wait until then? 5 days....

Weird Dreams..

So this morning, as I fell in and out of consciousness because of the thunder outside, I had a strange Dream.
I was in bed with Gil.les Ma.rini (from Danci.ng with th.e st.ars) and after cuddling awhile (which was weird because our spouses were in the next room and didn't seem to care), he confessed that he and his wife had lost one too.
He then proceeded to ask me if I was fearful for this pregnancy. I guess he and his wife had put off having another after they lost theirs for fear of losing another.
I said with such clarity that I was not fearful and at this point, there was nothing that could be done. If something happened and I went into labor, the baby would not survive. If the baby died, there would be nothing I could do to prevent it. I went on to say that I have no control over the situation and so I had to let it go.
And I do believe this.

But still have hope that it will come out all right. I can still have hope. I have to have hope. It's all I have.

Knowing...

It hit me today.
I'm having a girl.

I won't find out officially until next Friday with the ultrasound, but I just know.