Endorphin High...

Call it the endorphins speaking or what you will, but in the midst of my workout last night I started to get hopeful. Hopeful the 2008 will bring so much: A much needed job for my mother, much desired weight-loss for me, and a baby.....
Is this too much to hope for for one year?
I don't usually do a 'resulution' list, but maybe I'll do a "2008 New Year Hopes"

Here's mine:

-lose the remaining 18lbs or more
-become pregnant (which would put my baby due the following year)
-have a healthy pregnancy with healthy baby in tow
-get through the year anniversary (next Mother's Day) with peaceful and maybe even happy thoughts/feelings
-get hired on to teach summer school this summer
-get hired on to stay another year as a part-timer in my district


What's on your "2008 New Year Hope List?"

Post this meme if you dare to hope for the new year.

(it's okay if you don't, but it's okay if you do, too)

We cannot always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it exists, we just have to wander and stumble a bit through the utter darkness, with a certain amount of faith that we will get through.

The "tune up"

I'm a little late posting on this, but I just wanted to gush at how great my OB's office is.

First off, I walk in the door to check in. A, the receptionist immediately says,
"Hi, J, how are you?
Me, "I'm ok"
A, "did you have a good Christmas?"
Me, "it was ok"
A, "Looking forward to the new year?"
Me, "Yes!"
A, "I hope 2008 is a much better year for you"
Me, "me too"

It's nice to be remembered.
Also, they put me in the room next to the Dr.'s office so I didn't hear any baby heart beating or pregnancy gushing and such.
AND I swear they looted the room of baby book stuff (usually the rooms have "What to expect.." and other pregnancy crap)
AND I stepped on the scale and lost 2 more pounds (well, I probably lost the 2 lbs sometime BEFORE I stepped on it)

Also, my OB gently asked what our plans were. And so I told her. It was so nice not to get that pressure. She answered all of my questions and took the time to really see how I was doing.

I feel so lucky.

I feel like we have gone on this journey part-ways together

...so anyhoo, everything else seemed fine.
I hope to be returning in the summer with good news. Yes, hope.

If I could just get back to that place...

If I could just get back to that happy serene place.
I don't know why I try, ever so often, to read up on all my friends on their blogs and profiles(the ones I knew, once upon a time IRL)...especially this time of year.
I'd say I am happy for you and how what a great year 2007 was for you, but I am NOT HAPPY for you. I am bitter. I'm not happy for you being pregnant, or getting married or having a new addition, or losing weight, or just being happy.
Whatever.

Let's see what 2007 brought me, a dead baby and 20 lbs to lose. great.


In other, not-so-bitter news:
I have my "annual" tune-up tomorrow. Wish me luck.

I wait everyday for it to "get worse". "It" being anything. Will I get cancer? Will someone I know be hit by a car?...I hate this thinking.
I've been kind of sick the past day with abdominal pain that worsens when I don't eat anything but bread. I'm hoping it's just a bug, but of course I've looked at all the things that it could be....the things that are much worse.

I want to be in the happy place again....

Here I am again

Spoke too soon. Ah the joys of the grief rollercoaster.

So, "He" and I have had a rocky relationship now for a few years. And this whole process has left my belief system so up in the air and now so uncertain and changing. I was for the large portion of my life, a Christian with somewhat Baptist and Protestant flavorings...now I have beliefs still, but they have changed, and altered in some really contrasting ways. I am trying to sort everything out as I begin to piece back together my life and who I am.
Part of it is I don't feel Jessica is in heaven. Three days after she died, I SWEAR she visited us(which I talked about in another post I can't find at the moment), but after that I haven't really felt her presence, except for a couple of other times, but then it wasn't a very strong one. I also had a dream later on that she was reborn to a new family, specifically on the other side of the world (another post). What's weird about this is before she died, I didn't really believe in rebirth or reincarnation, but this was an intense feeling that just came to me. Sometimes I think that when I feel her for a few moments, maybe she is dreaming of me..

So today I was thinking about her and maybe she is in someone's arms enjoying Christmas on the other side of the world and I thought, teary-eyed, "Does she ever think of me? Does she remember me and the love I had for her?
Do you remember the mama that loved you so much in her tummy for 9 months?

What makes me cry is that I don't think she does.

I remember you!!!!!!!