Doubt...

By all outward signs now, I look pregnant. Still when people ask or say the dreaded "C" word, I can only stare at my belly...full of doubt...full of disbelief..full of unknowing. I mean seriously, how do I know if there is a baby wiggling around in there? People tell me, "of course there is". I just give them a blank look. In my head, I say "you don't know that", but instead, I say, "I guess you are right."

I did a bad thing today. I may have tempted fate a little too much. I registered... Now before you all start thinking 'ick', let me explain. I had received a coupon via email for BRU for a $10 gift card if you register. At the time I wasn't pregnant, but hoping to be so, I kept it in my inbox. When I became pregnant, I looked at it again...and printed it out, thinking, "well, maybe, if I get that far". The only problem was that it expired 7/31. Today, because it was the last day, and because I feel like if I didn't use the coupon, it'd be like throwing away $10, I did the deed. And now I hope that fate doesn't assume I think that I will have a live baby.

I thought about what it was like in the baby megastore the first time I was pregnant with A. How confused I was about all the baby crap, and yet so naively, insanely, blissfully happy. I thought about J's shower and how I was upset that people who normally come, didn't. And how I was mad at them even more so when she died that they weren't there to celebrate in the excitement of her predicted arrival. I was adamant that I wanted a shower for the second even though most don't have one the second time around. I didn't want A to have pictures in the scrapbook of his shower and not have any pictures for J to have of her event. How stupid it all was. But I am glad that I did that for her. Words of my mother stick out in my head. I'm not sure when she said them, but it was after my sister's barely 20 friend who had just had her second healthy baby with another father unknown. My mother shook her head and said, "...when Jessica was so loved and so wanted" (referring to the unfairness of it all).
Yes, she was so loved and so wanted and so anticipated.

I wouldn't say that I live in constant fear. I think that the fear has changed into disbelief. I register, not thinking that I will get a live baby to use the stuff. But damnit! With all my heart and all my soul I want a cute live squirmy baby. MY very own. ..

I guess it is sad that others have to constantly tell me I'm pregnant. I just don't believe it most of the time. I WANT to believe it, but I just don't. Maybe soon I will.. I want to step out of the shadows, but can't...

Hopeful Confessions...

I know it's been a little quiet here. I am taking a course at the local community college and it is all day, 5 days a week. Basically the end of the school year came, then graduation, then we went on vacation, then we came back and I've been in class. I am staying very busy as usual and wouldn't have it any other way. ;)

Aside from that, I think you all know what my confession is. Somehow after going on BC pills to regulate my cycle for 2 months, the very next cycle we conceived. I've been scared every day. I've cried at least 1-3 times per day. I've been coping as best as I could considering the only people who have known has been Dh and I.

But today we went in for a 12 week scan and everything looks normal. I am tired of not telling people out of fear and am glad I made it to this point. I know it could all change tomorrow, but for right now, I'm clinging on to the hope that I actually might be able to bring home a live one in 6 months. Oh please, let me get to bring home a LIVE baby! I feel like an addict at times. I go in for the first U/S and see it has a beating heart. Then the next appt. I get to hear the heartbeat. Then this last appointment. I have 3 weeks until I get my 'fix' again. I need the 'fix' because it assures me, at that moment in time, there is a live baby inside there.
I just hope it's my turn. Please let it be my turn.

Any prayers, vibes, and positive thoughts would be appreciated. I am trying to stay positive, but this is a daily struggle.....no point of this pregnancy will mean safety to me. Not until I hold him/her in my arms....oh please let this happen..

Where do they come up with this stuff?

A, my son, in the car this afternoon:

Mommy, you need to go to the hospital to get a baby.

Me: Why?

A: Because I am getting too big and you need someone little. So the doctor needs to take a baby out of your tummy.

Me: Oh, ok.


Oh son, if only it were that simple....

Future..

As I am busy planning the next school year, I catch myself thinking how uncertain the future may be. We cannot predict the future at all. We can only see the past. And I think it is the tears, anger, sadness that keeps us marching toward a hopeful future. If I could run from all the hurt, I would. And in the beginning, I did. I had to. Self preservation keeps you running away from the burning building. But then I slowed and realized I was hurt, irreparably wounded. I cannot run, but keep a steady pace, further away from the past, scars healed over. There must be hope.

In the early days, there may have been only a thread of hope in the midst of the despair. But it was there. It has always been there. Like the pilot light in your furnace. Just because you can't feel its heat, doesn't mean it's not lit. It's there when we are ready.

I have always been a planner, but because fate was cruel, I have learned that plans are ridiculous. The bigger the plan, the more ridiculous it becomes that you will get the desired outcome.

Who is this person? I am trudging along on the dirt pathway, full of rocks; I am broken, my clothes are tattered from the journey. I am virtually unrecognizable to those who sent me on my way. But I continue marching because I have to. The hope keeps me going. The hope gives me strength to move my legs, one foot in front of the other. The hope keeps me from collapsing.