Purge......

Picture 40 moms, selling their best kids and baby stuff.
That's what I did.
Well, some of it.
It felt good to purge some stuff. I think I brought the least amount of stuff, but also only had a few items left at the end. I even ended up making a couple of hundred dollars.

Ran into people I haven't seen in a year. One is pregnant and due next month. And got wind that another one might have had either a misscarriage or stillbirth (couldn't get the exact date) and possibly of twins. That news sucks....
My very pregnant sweet coworker showed up and got the rest of the things she needed, and so I felt happy that I told her about the sale.

I was going to buy a Willow Tree figurine from a woman because I wanted it for Jessica's shelf and we got to talking and I shared my story....she had just lost her mother a few weeks earlier and then insisted that I take it and refused the cash I had in my hands. I was touched. She was touched. We both almost cried.

It was good to sell and buy and give and receive.
As if for a short time, the world was balanced somehow. Without having to think about the environmental hazards in the production and disposal of all these perfectly usable quality items.
Almost makes you never want to buy anything NEW again...

Seriously....?!?

6:02 am The first mistake I made today was getting out of bed.
7:08 already running late to work
7:15 realize I forgot to eat breakfast
7:25 stuck in traffic, found out later it was because someone hit a deer on the freeway
7:58 everyone laughs at me in the staff meeting for wanting to nominate a certain kid for senior awards
8:05 find out that someone heard the deer was still alive and on the freeway, suffering probably...
8:20 Logged onto mommy forum only to read that someone suffered two consecutive miscarriages....and was reaching out for help and information
8:30 student starts to pick a fight about going to the bathroom, when she was already late.
8:35 student thought he heard the word "edible" and ate part of a poison Oleander flower that another student brought in for lab
8:40 student breaks frosted glass disk on brand new microscope
8:45 realize I didn't bring any "supplies" and Aunt Flo was still visiting
8:50 I think a student smells like weed
9:05 Accidently bang my face(with glasses on) on one of the tables while getting up
9:20 Student decides to argue with me why we are not going to the computer lab today (because he wasted time yesterday and the day before!)
9:30 A student's soda explodes all over my floor. (nevermind the fact they aren't supposed to drink soda)
9:45 Two students decide it would be a good idea to pick up scissors and pretend to joust
10:15 Student makes a comment about how I am "grumpy" and seem "stressed"
10:30 Fire Alarm goes off
10:35 False Alarm, but even though the sound is off, the bright light is still flashing at an epileptic rate
10:40 Migraine
10:55 Get chewed out by boss because I didn't send the scissor students to the office(well, one in particular), also found out that the boy I thought smelled, didn't have anything, and just stinks. He was searched.
11:10 Student who I was going to nominate for an award apparently just ripped a schedule off my door in the hall
12:15 Go to pick up my son and find out that they put him in a Pull-up rather than keeping him in the underwear, fed the kids McD's because they were "good" at the store, and when I got there they were watching TV.

ARGH.

It's getting cloudy. I better stay indoors for fear of lightning.

Epidemic...

Seriously, is everyone pregnant right now?
SERIOUSLY???

I wish I was in the third trimester, waiting to bring home a new baby.

That little warm bundle, wrapped in soft cotton....love at first sight, the ultimate prize.

Wish I had one now, rocking it to sleep, feeding him or her.

I WANT.....

I have baby fever baaaaaaaddddddddd. And all the preggos running around IRL and URL do not help me.
Like having chocolate cravings, being on a diet, and yet having them in the house.

1 Year....

So how does 1 year feel?
Sad...
Just sad.
The saddness returns. The grief returns.
The unexpected rushes of saddness and uncontrollable crying even returned (last Friday night)
Up....down.....up....down....down....

I am reminded of how this grieving stuff really sucks.

But...unlike before, I KNOW it will get better. And so I wait. I wait for the good days to come again. I wait for the peaceful days to come again.

It's just so unbelievable the passage of time....and yet still, I am here without her. Except now everyone expects you to be "over it" to a degree. It's a bit peculiar to them when you get teary eyed unexpectedly and need to find a quiet place to just cry uncontrollably. Or even yell...."My baby....my baby!!"

A year....

and soon two

and soon three...

time passes...it has to. It has to keep going.

And so do we.

But not too far away we can feel as if it were yesterday....